{"id":448535,"date":"2017-12-20T06:00:32","date_gmt":"2017-12-20T06:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ghana-mma.com\/2017\/12\/20\/lifestyle-why-the-people-we-love-the-most-can-so-easily-hurt-our-feelings\/"},"modified":"2017-12-20T06:00:32","modified_gmt":"2017-12-20T06:00:32","slug":"lifestyle-why-the-people-we-love-the-most-can-so-easily-hurt-our-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/2017\/12\/20\/lifestyle-why-the-people-we-love-the-most-can-so-easily-hurt-our-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"LIFESTYLE: Why the people we love the most can so easily hurt our feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><\/p>\n<div id=\"medsection1\">\n<!-- End of html generated by this->header() --><\/p>\n<p class=\"floatLeft\">Entertainment of Wednesday, 20 December 2017<\/p>\n<p class=\"floatRight\"><strong>Source: <\/strong>Psychology Today<\/p>\n<p>2017-12-20<\/p>\n<div class=\"article-left\">\n<p class=\"article-image\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/35132276.295.jpg\" alt=\"Black Couple Fighting Couch African American 155259337 Crop\" title=\"Black Couple Fighting Couch African American 155259337 Crop\" width=\"295\" height=\"182\" \/><span class=\"image_caption\"><span>File Photo<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"noPrint\">\n<div id=\"537626303\" style=\"width:300;height:250;margin:0;padding:0\">\n<p>\t\t  <noscript><iframe loading=\"lazy\" id=\"b2ad7fa7fd\" name=\"b2ad7fa7fd\" src=\"http:\/\/ghanaweb-d.openx.net\/w\/1.0\/afr?auid=537626303&amp;cb=151125817981905\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" width=\"300\" height=\"250\"><a href=\"\/\/ghanaweb-d.openx.net\/w\/1.0\/rc?cs=b2ad7fa7fd&amp;cb=151125817981905\"><\/p>\n<p>\t\t  <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/1513749632_325_ai\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/iframe><\/noscript><\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p style=\"clear:right\"> How many times have you felt hurt or insulted or shocked by what a friend, partner, or family member has said or done to you? \u201cHow could they have been so insensitive?\u201d \u201cHow could they have not known this would upset me?\u201d \u201cHow could they?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, there isn\u2019t a single answer to this question. Human relationships are very complicated, but there is a common error that does explain some of what\u2019s going on: We often mistakenly attribute our own emotional reaction to the deliberate intent of others.<\/p>\n<p>You feel hurt; they have no clue.<\/p>\n<p>What we all consistently fail to keep in mind is that our sensitivities are as individual as we are. Even though it might seem glaringly obvious to you that what someone said or did was not okay, they may have no clue about their impact on you. They are behaving according to a different set of rules \u2014 they may have worries and ideas and a life history that has shaped their way of being very differently than yours.<\/p>\n<p>For example, you are waiting for a text about meeting up with a friend, one who, in your mind, should know that it\u2019s important for you to keep an organized schedule. And then they don\u2019t text. All of a sudden, you are annoyed, and maybe a bit concerned. Have they forgotten you? Are they being careless and\/or disrespectful? Are you being ditched? Don\u2019t they understand how irritating and hurtful this is to you?<\/p>\n<p>The conviction that one\u2019s experience is being disregarded, even attacked, is something with which we all struggle. The other person may not intend to hurt you at all; they may have no clue about their impact on you.<\/p>\n<p>In the example above, the \u201coffender\u201d may have a different sense of time, be distracted, or feel anxious about texting for a reason you know nothing about. Additionally, and much to our disbelief and dismay, the other may not always keep our experience in mind with the vigilance we wish.<\/p>\n<p>We are all the center of our own little universes. And our universes differ vastly.<\/p>\n<p>We misread facial expressions or lack of response.<\/p>\n<p>This is another version of what I\u2019m trying to get at. There you are, extremely distressed because your romantic partner didn\u2019t do the thing you have asked them to do a million times. How could they not know how this is going to affect you? You confront them, and they stare back blankly or make a joke. You assume they do not care.<\/p>\n<p>But what you are witnessing might be a reaction to their fear and\/or shame about disappointing you. They may shut down as a way to protect themselves; they may feel unable to respond, because of who they are and how they function, not because they don\u2019t care. But you feel exasperated and emotionally abandoned.<\/p>\n<p>We cannot underestimate how little we know about others (and ourselves).<\/p>\n<p>Each of us has an internal emotional world \u2014 one not visible to others, and necessarily only partially known to ourselves. Much of who we are, what we feel, and why we behave as we do is out of our awareness. This idea is fundamental to psychoanalytic thinking.<\/p>\n<p>So how do we get through the day, let alone life?<\/p>\n<p>Often, we try to understand others based on what we do know about ourselves. That is, if it\u2019s obvious to me that it would be presumptuous and insulting if I decide what we should do for dinner without consulting you, I assume you operate under the same premise. But you might believe you are caring for me, demonstrating love, by taking the initiative to make the plans for both of us.<\/p>\n<p>This crossing of communication wires is surprisingly common. Both people feel misunderstood and poorly treated.<\/p>\n<p>Why doesn&#8217;t talking about it help more?<\/p>\n<p>Pointing out to someone that their way of doing things isn\u2019t working for you doesn\u2019t mean that they can change at will, or even that they really understand what you are talking about<\/p>\n<p>Think about how hard it is for you to change to accommodate someone else\u2019s idiosyncrasies. I know that if receiving a prompt text reply is not important to me \u2014 or is determinedly not important because, unbeknownst to me, I resent being \u201cforced\u201d to accommodate others \u2014 no amount of getting \u201ctalked to\u201d is going to significantly shift my behavior.<\/p>\n<p>Likewise, if someone is terrified of the anger and disappointment of loved ones, \u201cconfrontation\u201d will only force them further underground. They may, quite literally, not be able to hear what you are saying to them.<\/p>\n<p>What can we do?<\/p>\n<p>We can repeatedly remind ourselves not to conflate \u2014 mix up \u2014 our reaction to what someone has said or done with their conscious intent. That is, we should not assume our feeling bad is the outcome the other person intended or was a consequence of their lack of concern for us.<\/p>\n<p>Most people who care about us are doing the best they can. This doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s always good enough, or that folks need not try to change hurtful behavior. This is where therapy can be helpful; we can learn more about ourselves and why we do the things we do.<\/p>\n<p>We should always ask ourselves, especially during those heated moments of utter conviction that another has wronged us egregiously:<\/p>\n<p>How else can I understand what is going on? Might this person actually mean well, or be afraid, or unaware of my vulnerabilities? Could they be operating with a different definition of \u201cdoing the right thing\u201d? Might I feel hurt because of my own worries and\/or sensitivities, and not because the other person wants to hurt me? Taking a moment to consider alternative explanations isn\u2019t going to rid our relationships of hurtful interactions. But it is the beginning of doing our best to understand the people we love, as well as taking responsibility for our own feelings.<\/p>\n<p><!-- uploaded by: 24 updated by: -1 --><\/p>\n<p><!-- Start of html generated by this->footer() -->\n<\/div>\n<p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a style=\"display:none\" rel=\"follow\" href=\"http:\/\/megatheme.ir\/\" title=\"\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0628 \u0648\u0631\u062f\u067e\u0631\u0633\">\u0642\u0627\u0644\u0628 \u0648\u0631\u062f\u067e\u0631\u0633<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Entertainment of Wednesday, 20 December 2017 Source: Psychology Today 2017-12-20 File Photo How many times have you felt hurt or insulted or shocked by what a friend, partner, or family member has said or done to you? \u201cHow could they have been so insensitive?\u201d \u201cHow could they have not known this would upset me?\u201d \u201cHow [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":433317,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-448535","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>LIFESTYLE: Why the people we love the most can so easily hurt our feelings - Ghanamma.com<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/2017\/12\/20\/lifestyle-why-the-people-we-love-the-most-can-so-easily-hurt-our-feelings\/\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:title\" content=\"LIFESTYLE: Why the people we love the most can so easily hurt our feelings - Ghanamma.com\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:description\" content=\"Entertainment of Wednesday, 20 December 2017 Source: Psychology Today 2017-12-20 File Photo How many times have you felt hurt or insulted or shocked by what a friend, partner, or family member has said or done to you? 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