Entertainment of Saturday, 22 October 2016
Sneaky sex can be tricky, but it’s exciting to fine-tune it if you want a spicy sex life. So never fear – here are some fun tips for you to follow.
So maybe you’re heading to your parents’ house for the week, but you technically still live with them when you’re not at college. And you know you’ll be feeling a rise in your insatiable libido, when just can’t get your hands off your new boo. So what to do?
20 tips for having satisfying sneaky sex—every time
As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. So it’s a good thing sneaky sex is here to save the day—and not leave you going to bed unsatisfied and frustrated.
So without further ado, we’re lecturing you on how you can perfectly pull off some sneaky sex and not get caught.
#1 Have the right mindset. Remember, you’re going to have sneaky sex, so manage your expectations. This means no time for wooing and cinematic undressing.
You get what you get, and you make the most of it. Having this mindset allows you to easily capitalize on your opportunities as they arise. You no longer have the luxury of having to be turned on or being in the mood…
#2 Dress for success. Since you’re going to have no time to undress yourselves completely, at least allow easy access. A short skirt or dress for women works, as well as easy-zip pants for men. Also, keep the stains in mind, so opt for dark colors. Have a jacket or scarf handy to hide any aftermath marks.
#3 BYOC. Bring your own condom. Or at least have some form of contraceptive or protection handy. You wouldn’t want to be all ready, but at the last minute have the ultimate let-down *or waste some more precious time* just because you didn’t prepare to take the right safety precautions. [Read: Untold sex secrets you need to know]
#4 Have a code. What’s sneakier than sex in code? Whether you’re around friends or family, you have to have a way to let each other know you’re down for some sneaky sex. Whether you invent your own word or just nonchalantly say, “Did I just see a Brontosaurus?” Any code you’ve agreed upon beforehand would work.
#5 Schedule a tryst. Sneaky sex doesn’t just have to be spontaneous. You can go sneaky—but with a schedule too. For example, if you can’t do it in both your places *uhm, roommates* or your place is just always flooded by kids and family, then schedule at least a three-hour getaway. And just chalk it up to “something important.”
#6 Come prepared. But not too prepared. Leave the toys and lubes at home. All you have to do is to plan ahead, be open, and flexible for any change of plans. And then make it easy for the both of you to “bring it on,” so to speak.
#7 Sound proofing. Keep it on the down low. Be quiet. No matter how much you feel like sighing or screaming, at that very moment, being quiet is more like a life or death situation. Whether you have to bite your knuckles or scream into a pillow, do what you have to do. Or else, risk being found out and tremendously embarrassed.
#8 Straight to the point. Keep foreplay at the bare minimum. Sneaky sex doesn’t really have the luxury of time and other pleasantries, especially if you’re doing a quickie or doing it in public.
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t still be romantic and sexy. You can woo each other long before the main event, either through sexting or by going out in public on a group date.
#9 Try shower sex. The water will be louder, so you don’t have to literally bite your tongue every time. If you’re sharing your pad with a couple of roommates and your new beau comes over, then this is key: get the shower going and go at it.
There are definitely pros – no one is going to barge in on you, and nobody will notice you have something raunchy going on in there.
#10 Get some loud music going. Another good tip, if you have housemates, your parents are in town, or your boyfriend just climbed up the window on a school night, then Beethoven is your best friend.
Try some loud classical music and turn up the volume. Your folks would even be proud that you’re already past your Taylor Swift phase and behaving like such a cultured grown up.
#11 Check for cameras. These days, almost every corner in every place has CCTVs. Therefore, whether you want to have sex in public or get some sneaky sex going at a friend’s place, always check for cameras. The last thing you’d want is to have some sex scandal floating all over the internet.
#12 Watch out for voyeurs. Unless exhibitionism is your thing—watch out for peeping toms who may be watching you as you get some action. Stay away from windows and places with high foot traffic.
If you’re in a building, your best bet is the fire escape of a stairwell on the highest floors where other people are less likely to go.
#13 Try the outdoors. The outdoors offers a refreshing backdrop for that weekend rendezvous. If you don’t have time to plan a mini vacay, you can ask your babe to go jogging, walk the dog, or have a quick trip to the nearest camping or picnic ground. Just try the outdoors—even if it means your neighbor’s backyard.
#14 Side by side. Sneaky sex means you have to be inventive with the positions you make. So if, for example, you have to sneak in some nookie at camp and everyone’s asleep—well, except for you and the hot guy you met the day before—then you better learn side-by-side sex fast.
Act like you’re sleeping on your side with the blanket to your shoulders. You and your partner can pretend to just be spooning…
#15 Squeaks and creaks. Be mindful of squeaky, creaking furniture and floors if you want to have successful sneaky sex that nobody else will ever find out about. Whether you’re trying to get one in at your parents’ place or in the middle of the workday in your office, be mindful of these dead giveaways.
#16 Car sex. Yes, the handy-dandy car sex. It’s just like being in high school, when you can’t really do it at your parents’ or anywhere else for that matter. You park in an empty mall parking lot in the middle of the night and go at it like teens.
#17 Go very early. Another great time to get some sneaky sex in is when everyone else is asleep. Rouse up those sleepy eyes and find a cozy corner to cozy up. You can always go back to sleep later.
#18 Have an alibi. Anyone who’s been doing sneaky sex at some point in their lives will always have an alibi. You know, just in case.
People will get suspicious when you sneak around or become secretive, and so you need to have an excuse or some other reason to say just in case you get interrogated or—heaven forbid—found out.
#19 Be prepared to be left hanging. When it comes to sneaky sex, you’re left at the mercy of everything that could ever go wrong. People might walk in on you, or you might stumble against something that will end up alerting everyone.
Always welcome the idea that you guys may not be able to see things through or finish, and in that case, you can always try again next time.
#20 Spring a surprise. Lastly, sneaky sex doesn’t have to be pre-planned. You can plan the covert affair yourself, and when the right time comes, just grab your partner by the collar, undress, and get it on.
This will be a welcome surprise, and if you perfectly pull it off, it’ll be something that would even go in the books as one of your best sexcapades ever.