Entertainment of Tuesday, 18 October 2016
Going to a wedding as a single guest can be a blast: You’re free to mingle with all the sexy single groomsmen and tear up the dance floor with your friends without having to worry about appeasing your date.
But on the flip side, it’s a situation that can become a breeding ground for rude, invasive questions and socially awkward moments you’d rather forget (i.e. being the only one at the table during a slow song, trying to make your mediocre steak last as long as humanly possible).
Pro tip for coupled folks trying to make small talk with single people? Avoid these eleven phrases.
1. “Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.”
This person deserves to have their eyeballs scooped out with a spoon. What are you, pray tell, a fortune teller who can look into my sad and lonely future?
2. “Better make sure you catch the bouquet!”
This is essentially the wedding tradition version of an internet chain letter (“If you don’t send this to 30 people you’ll die at midnight!”). I don’t subscribe to wedding mythology, plus, wrestling with 70 other women over a bouquet at my best friend’s nuptials is not exactly how I want to spend my evening.
3. “Where’s your date?”
Seriously: This one is super rude and forces the single guest to defend her (non)marital status. It is literally the equivalent of the guy who asks, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend right now?” (Also, how do you know he isn’t peeing right this very second? Okay, fine, he doesn’t exist, but whatever.)
4. “It’s a dry wedding.”
Dear god. No. Help. When you’re without a date to a wedding (whether by relationship status or by choice) alcohol automatically becomes your 1. Jim Beam, I need you. And if not you, Jim Beam, then Jack Daniels. Be my knight in shining armor.
5. “You and my [insert random relative here] would be so cute together.”
Probably not, and I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t appreciate his grandma setting him up either.
6. “We’ve sat you at the kids’ table.”
Dear brides and grooms everywhere: Single people are not children, and deliberately choosing to sit us with them is incredibly insulting (sorry, kids). It sends the message that we’re either not as mature as our coupled-up friends or we were an afterthought in the seating arrangements. Doing so will ensure that your wedding will live on in single guests’ stories as “the worst wedding ever attended.” Never do this. Ever.
7. Beyonce’s “single ladies” comes on* “that’s your jam!”
Thank you, once again, for pointing out the fact that I am single. Psst: I decide what’s my jam, and I’m more of a “Sorry” kind of woman.
8. “Are you by yourself?”
Yes, please draw even more attention to the fact that I am here solo, I beg of you.
9. *Look of pity*
Sometimes, the offending person doesn’t even have to open his or her mouth to be offensive. It’s just in the eyes. Look away, then! Literally no one came to this wedding, least of all the single guest, to be pitied.
10. “Sorry, we ran out of pigs in a blanket.”
This is just upsetting no matter what your marital status is, but it’s especially distressing for those of us who may only know the bride and groom and need to look busy during the cocktail hour slash get hungry when we’re stressed out as hell.
11. “Doesn’t this wedding just make you want to find the one
People are single for all different reasons. Maybe they’re totally content by themselves and have no plans for a relationship. Maybe they’re currently going through a rough breakup. Maybe they’ve been on more crappy online dates than they can count and the thought of going out with yet another mediocre OkCupid profile-writer is more than they can stand. Whatever the reason, it’s actually possible to be super happy for the newlyweds without making this situation a manifesto for a single person’s life.