I’m not sure if I’m one of the “good ones” or not, but what I am sure about is that I want to have shared values with my future wife — and in return, I’ll promise her the world.
Or more realistically, I will commit to these 33 things:
1. I will never leave an empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom (or hang a fresh roll upside down like a monster).
2. I will try to solve your problems instead of just listening and saying, “that sucks.”
3. I will cry no fewer than 6 times per year.
4. I will handle or (delegate handling) any pest problems.
5. I will only say sh*tty things about your family when they do sh*tty things to you.
6. I will fall asleep during s*xual activity, at most, once per calendar year.
7. I won’t steal your thunder and will always be your biggest cheerleader.
8. I will eat anything you cook … unless it’s genuinely gross because life is just too short.
9. I will respond incredibly well to the words “please” and “thank you.”
10. I won’t get embarrassingly drunk at any event that’s important to you. (Note: No more than 25 percent can be considered “important.”)
11. I will accept s*xual challenges, particularly to my manhood, 140 percent of the time.
12. I will surprise you with my depth of knowledge about completely unimportant topics regularly.
13. I will bring home flowers for no reason, and no, I’m not feeling guilty about anything.
14. I will not share all my passwords with you, nor will I ask for yours.
15. I will sing the wrong words to songs … loudly.
16. I will continue to despise reality TV, unless I marry a reality TV star.
17. I will take athletic endeavors too seriously.
18. I will make jokes at inappropriate times; you will generally laugh.
19. I will refer to myself as a hero, not always ironically.
20. I will lavish you with compliments, mostly sincerely.
21. I will consult with you for most purchases over $1,000 — adjusted for inflation to 2015 currency values — unless it’s a gift for you, or we’re just NASTY rich.
22. I will cuddle you until I absolutely just need to sleep.
23. I will rarely, if ever, freak out, especially when you’re freaking out.
24. I will judge what you’re wearing but will mostly keep it to myself.
25. I will drink, more or less, anything offered to me.
26. I will not shoplift. This is probably not an issue, but I’m an 8th Commandment guy.
27. I will not let disagreements with you color my opinion of you as a person.
28. I will not go vegan.
29. I will not start a band.
30. I will not be grossed out by anything natural going on with your downstairs.
31. I will help any of your friends move (provided they’re not complete jerks).
32. I will not (completely) let myself go.
33. I will not be a complete knob about money if you make more of it than me … or if I make more than you, for that matter.
I know, you don’t have to say it: I’ll be a hero husband and all of your friends will be hella-jealous of how much I spoil you.