b**bs are all shapes and sizes, with some bigger than others. As far back as I can remember, I have been — rem — “blessed” in the chest department, and it’s been a roller coaster ride of both good and bad times.
However, for some reason, as with many things, the bad times seem to overwhelmingly crush the good ones.
And in fear of sounding so negative, I’ll admit that, of course, a nice pair of tig ‘ol bitties look great in that tight dress that they fill out so perfectly, and sure most guys don’t mind a bountiful rack, but no one ever thinks about the struggle — and believe me, it’s real.
Here are some reasons why having big boobies is just not as glamorous as it’s cracked up to be:
1. You were always self-conscious when you were younger
I’ll never forget the horrific conversation I had with my mom when she had to buy me a C-cup bra at the tender age of 11, and since then, my girls have only grown bigger, along with the beef that I have with them.
You’ve had an adult’s body way before you were an adult (and that’s just weird and uncomfortable).
In fact, when you were 13 and you found out that your male classmates were talking about how big your b**bs were, you went home and cried about it.
And until the first guy who ever saw you unclad stared at you in complete awe and adoration, you thought that having big b**bs was just really awkward and embarrassing.
2. You get way too much unwanted attention
Being a female comes with the added pleasure of receiving tons and tons of attention that you seriously do not want.
From the nastiest of catcalls we receive while walking down the street, to some dude walking up to you at a bar and telling you have nice t*ts, we really don’t appreciate your input.
I dream of the day that wearing a bit of a risqué top, that shows off some cleavage, won’t feel like a — literally –dangerous move.
So to all the gross dudes who think that crude comments or a sneaky feel up is going to get them some, most girls, obviously, see this as a huge turn off.
3. You often wonder why you couldn’t just be blessed with a booty
Why oh why do I have big b**bs and not a big b*tt!? Surely having a big booty is lower maintenance and more aesthetically pleasing than having big b**bs.
Can I transfer some b**b to my b*tt? Can I!? Can somebody answer these important questions??
4. They are just too freaking heavy
Big b**bs are heavy, like, really f*cking heavy.
I’ve contemplated weighing my b**bs on some sort of meat scale because I’m truly itching to know just how heavy these things I’m forced to carry around all day, errday, actually are.
But alas, my fear of being kicked out of a grocery store for going through with such an act has stopped me from doing so.
Although I cannot disclose the exact weight, believe me, they’re heavy enough.
This weight causes things such as serious f*cking back problems and the tendency to carry your b**bs in your hands when you’re walking around braless.
5. Back pain is a serious issue
Pounds of fat and tissue opposite your back can cause some real pain, pressure and overall discomfort.
Chiropractors, stretches and serious contemplation of a b**b reduction have all been a part of your big-boobied lifestyle.
6. Working out can be a special kind of torture
After you have secured your b**bs down with two — count ‘em: two — extra tight compression sports bras, it’s time to take the ladies to the gym.
Even with the added security of two bras, big b**bs still get in the way of a workout.
You never feel very aerodynamic, and running poses a threat to the wellbeing of your face.
7. So many styles look horrible on you
I’ve learned the hard way (and by hard way, I mean by wasting way too much money on clothes that I never wore) that as much as you love a shirt, your love won’t magically make it look good on your body (love is not magical).
When you have big b**bs, so many clothing options are simply not an option for you.
So go ahead and buy that tube top that you know won’t flatter your chest, that backless shirt that you know you can’t wear a bra with (and you obviously must wear a bra at all times) and that smock dress that makes you appear to be about seven months pregnant.
I promise you that you will never ever wear them, but I’m sure your closet will enjoy the pointless decorations.
8. You make any outfit look slutty
Any remotely low-cut top gives you crazy amounts of cleavage, and subsequently gives off the impression that you are trying way too hard when, in reality, you give approximately zero f*cks.
So while you may think that I’m wearing this plain tank top that cost me $5 and took absolutely no effort to throw on this morning, to impress someone, I’m not.
So, forgive me while I roll my eyes at you saying, “Where are you going tonight (winkyyyy faceee)?”
Sorry, I forgot to wear a garbage bag to cover my body.
9. You stretch out clothes like it is your job
Aside from permanently destroying so many bras/dresses/shirts/bathing suits with your lady lumps, you also make that graphic tee that says, “Yas” across the chest say, “Yyyyyyaaaaaaassssssss.”
10. You simply must laugh in the face of clothing that is “one size fits most”
You know more than damn well that if the size is “one size fits most,” it means that “mostly” all of your b**b will be hanging out of it.
So nice try “one size fits most” lingerie, you obviously have not yet been acquainted with these knockers.
11. Bras are a small investment
You live in constant envy of the ladies who can pay $10 for a bra from — insert crappy cheap chain store here — and actually have it fit and be an appropriate holster for their boobies. Like, seriously!? SERIOUSLY???
Those of us “blessed” with a large chest know that this notion is virtually unheard of. We need the heavy-duty stuff for the pounds of weight that plague our upper torsos.
Trying not to cry as you spend $50 on an article of clothing that practically no one will ever f*cking see is a normal thing for us.
It can drive a lady to go around flashing random people just to feel as if she got her money’s worth.
12. Your bras are always breaking
After spending the big bucks on the smallest of clothing pieces, rest assured that a few months later it will crap out, since your heavy a*s t*ts are seriously abusing the absolute sh*t out of a contraption made out of cloth and wire.
Just when you are really starting to fall in love with a bra, the wire pops out and shanks you in the rib cage like, “B*tch, I’m sick of this sh*t.
I ain’t carrying around this load no more.” (And understandably so: The weight of your b**bs can drive any bra to the brink of insanity.)
13. Shopping for bras holds the potential of reducing you to tears
Aside from having to dish out mucho mula for a bra that will constrain the girls in properly (and hopefully last longer than a month), finding said bra can be nothing short of a nightmare.
This one makes your b**bs look saggy, this one makes your right one hang out a little, that one gives your back muffin top and you dare not try on that pushup bra for fear of looking like a straight up P0*n star and/or knocking yourself out.
Every girl with big b**bs knows that there’s a science to finding that perfect bra; it took a while to perfect and maybe it’s still not perfect, but you’ve been working on the equation for a large chunk of your life.
Regardless, bra shopping is a big deal; we cannot just throw on a strip of fabric and call it a day, okay!?
14. Bikinis are your worst nightmare
After jumping through hoops to sneakily switch a bikini set so that top is XL and the bottom is a M, it’s time to feel really slutty and subconscious at the beach!
Tying a small piece of fabric over your b**bs with a small piece of string is hardly offering you either any coverage or any protection.
Aside from feeling completely inappropriately exposed to the world anytime you grace the beach and/or pool, gurllll, you know that bikini top isn’t staying on once you hop into the water.
15. Your top half always floats
Your skimpy bathing suit is hardly helped by the fact that your chest is maddd buoyant (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but more of an awkward thing; your cleavage pretty much floats right up to your face).
While the rest of your body lies normally in water, your b**bs float at the top like two skin-colored life buoys that just won’t quit.
In fact, you’re pretty convinced that it is impossible for you to ever drown, since you have a built-in life vest.