Without any further ado, here are the differences between single you – you without a bae, and boyfriend you – you with a bae:
1. Single you loves “bro-ing” out with the “bros.”
Boyfriend you hasn’t seen another Y-chromosome in months.
2. Single you gets hammered, literally, WHERE’S THE BREW?
Boyfriend you is content getting socially lubed over a champagne flute full of Riesling, with brunch.
3. Single you generally only worries about one birthday.
Boyfriend you literally had to buy an extra Blackberry, just to keep track of her and all of her friends’ birthday dinners.
4. Single you hates rom-coms
Boyfriend you doesn’t feel pressured to lie about shadily loving a good rom-com.
5. Single you follows any girl showing the right amount of cleavage in her social media avatar.
Boyfriend you follows bae around while she runs errands.
6. Single you barely goes food shopping.
Boyfriend you browses through scented candles at Bath and Body Works.
7. Single you orders like two, fat, bacon egg and cheeses for breakfast – and sends ‘em back if they’re not oozing yolk, lavishly.
Boyfriend you hasn’t seen the likes of an egg-yellow in ages.
8. Single you grills the sh*t out of couples who engage in PDA – yeah, I’m looking at you, motherf*ckers.
Boyfriend you has no problem looking like John Travolta at the Oscars whenever he wants to smooch baby girl in the public sphere.
9. Single you barely speaks to his own mother on a day-to-day basis.
Boyfriend you, on the other hand, always seems to find time to speak to hers – especially after a Serial podcast, or two.
10. Single you makes sure to watch movies daily, sometimes twice.
Boyfriend you makes sure to shower daily, sometimes even twice.
11. Single you creeps on Instagram, and publicly like any targets of interest.
Boyfriend you still creeps on Instagram, but certainly ain’t liking anything – at least not “publicly.”
12. Single you gets hyped about basketball season.
Boyfriend you gets hyped about seasonally-flavored lattes.
13. Single you sees a lifetime full of parties, and traveling, and other extravagant forms of debauchery.
Boyfriend you sees Lifetime movies on Friday evenings, with the most extravagant aspect of the night being how much candy you packed on top of your frozen yogurt.
14. Single you gives the Uber driver 1 star and an earful, to say the least, if he doesn’t provide you an aux cord.
Boyfriend you doesn’t seem to mind getting his ears filled with Taylor Swift, in fact, he even knows the words.
15. Single you loves being friendly and social.
Boyfriend you remembers what happened the last time he smiled at – or by any other means, acted pleasant to – a girl he didn’t know.
16. Single you maintains a great balance of social, physical and emotional health.
Boyfriend you is a f*cking sociopath – but eats quinoa a few times a week – so the appearance of good health, across the board, is there.
17. Single you heads for the hills when he learns she’s on her period.
Boyfriend you heads for the closet where he keep the towels.
18. Single you thinks of “bootylicious” when he sees Beyoncé.
Boyfriend you thinks of “feminism.”