It’s normal to Facebook stalk, but there’s Facebook stalking and then there’s Facebook stalking. If any of the following practices seem normal to you, it is time someone tells you: you’re creeping people out.
Here is your practical guide on the best ways to make people squirm in their seats as they scroll through their newsfeed.
1. Hit the archives
Comment or like photos from deep in the past. The further back you go, the better. There is nothing more uncomfortable to people than a realization that someone is actually seeking out those embarrassing selfies they posted of themselves eight years ago.
2. “Like” Veronica’s dog’s death
Some people suffer from what I like to call C.C, or Chronic Click. They like everything. Cute picture of kittens: like. Child’s first day of school: like. Best friend has cancer: like.
Sure, part of this is a Facebook developer flaw of not creating a “dislike” button, but if you want to confuse your friends as to whether or not you are actually friends, like a status that bears really bad news.
3. Facebook stalk someone when they can visibly see it
I looked up in class once to discover the guy sitting a row in front of me was perusing through my profile pictures. It’s not much of a secret that we all look through people’s photos, but in his case it became no secret at all.
4. Request address
Not only does Facebook now allow you to request someone’s address, it lets you include a reason to why you want to know behind it.
The best excuses could include, “In case I’m passing through,” or “Just want to know what you look like for real.”
5. Tag yourself in pregnancy photos
Posting pregnancy photos could make up a whole section of its own, but it pales in comparison to tagging yourself in someone else’s pregnancy photo.
Tagging yourself in any random photo you aren’t actually in is odd. Tagging yourself in or as the belly of the person in the photo? That’s a whole new level.
6. Purge your wall
Every few months delete everything on your wall. Keeps your wall nice and clean, and makes your life seem super sketchy.
Pokes are weird in real life, and even weirder virtually. And just in case your friends were curious if you were stuck in 2008, you just confirmed it. Go ahead and post an Obama Hope picture.
8. Tag friends in uncomfortable articles
Todd is a 19-year-old boy who just started college. Sounds like the perfect candidate for being tagged in an article debating breastfeeding vs. formula. He’ll thank you for it. Or unfriend you.
9. Request to be in a relationship
Technically, you’re in some type of relationship with anyone you are friends with on Facebook. Why not try sending one of those friends a request to be in a relationship with them? For maximum eccentric effect, do it to one of those Facebook friends who you can’t really remember how you know.
10. Be your biggest fan
Be the first to comment and like your post. Selfies do best with comments like, “love that smile!” or “Beautiful inside AND out!!! E>”
11. Make your status updates really personal
Having relationship issues? Health problems? Personal insecurities? Include as much information as possible. Pointing out character flaws of your spouse, or a picture of what your toe looked like during surgery fall into this category.
12. Unfriend and friend again
It’s a little awkward that you unfriended this person in the first place. Friending them again is like a big red arrow pointing to the fact that you once didn’t care enough about them to waste your friend space on them, but now that has somehow changed.
13. Add random people
Did your daughter’s old friend post a picture with a boy in it? Don’t worry about who he is or if you’ve ever met him. Add him!
14. Have conversations with your significant other on his or her wall
We’ve all seen it. Maybe it’s sweet that the husband posts “I love you more than anything or anyone ever,” on his wife’s wall, but mostly it makes people wonder if the only time the spouse is receiving verbal affection is right there on Facebook for everyone to see.
Instead of actually sitting down and reading an article or discussing a topic together, tag your spouse in self-improvement articles you think he or she should hear. No need to actually have a face-to-face conversation with the person you share your life with.
15. Steal someone’s profile picture
If you really love how someone’s profile picture looks, why not just use it? See how long it takes for them to notice.