If you’ve been watching Sky Sports News before Real Madrid’s Champions League game at Schalke on Wednseday, you will have discovered that the best player in the world is now completely rubbish at football.
According to the stats, Cristiano Ronaldo’s goals per game ratio has dropped by 0.00004532456 goals since winning the Ballon d’Or, his happiness is approximately 19.3523 per cent lower and he’s completed 1.1 fewer high fives since lifting that golden gong.
OK, we’re exaggerating slightly. But the theory goes that Real Madrid’s star man is in the mother of all slumps – which means Carlo Ancelotti’s team were well and truly doomed before facing Schalke in the Champions League Last 16 last night.
So what caused this alarming drop in form, which has seen him go three games (gasp) without a goal?
Forget the football – we have discovered the seven REAL reasons CR7 is struggling: 1. Broken heart
Poor Ronnie dumped his girlfriend Irina Shayk because she wasn’t nice enough to his mum.
Then his ex spent Valentines Day with Lewis Hamilton (and other celebrity singletons) at some fancy party. Bummer.
He’s a delicate flower, is Cristiano. So that German boy Thomas making fun of him has put his head in a spin. 3. Old Father Time
Now he’s turned 30, that famous body is starting to creak. Look – even his rather portly manager thinks he’s as flexible as the skipper these days. 4. He’s feeling insecure
You can now do a DEGREE in Cristiano Ronaldo. Literally, go to university and just learn about Ronaldo all day.
The results? It’s freaking him out. People now know more about him than he knows about himself. 5. He’d rather be at home
If your son was as adorable as this little fella, you’d probably feel like spending time with him rather than all this ‘going to work’ nonsense. 6. He’s too famous
Cristiano Ronaldo has now become SO famous, it’s all getting too much for him. He’s sick of it, he just wants to be normal. That’s why he keeps dressing up like a homeless person. 7. He doesn’t want to score
Forget your statistics. The true reason Ronaldo hasn’t scored a goal in a little while is because he simply doesn’t want to.
Since producing his trademark “Siiiii!” celebration during his Ballon d’Or acceptance speech, Cristiano has turned into a performing monkey, and he hates it.
Maybe if he doesn’t score for a while, he’ll no longer feel the need to perform his celebration with fans in the street.
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