How much time will you spend
with your spouse today?
An hour?
Thirty minutes?
Five minutes?
Struggling couples never admit their deepest failure: They have stopped
spending meaningful time together.
How much quality, one-on-one time will you spend with your spouse that
does not revolve around the kids, work or managing day-to-day life?
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The No. 1 cause of divorce may not be what you think
How much time will you spend with your spouse today?
An hour?
Thirty minutes?
Five minutes?
How much quality, one-on-one time will you spend with your spouse that
does not revolve around the kids, work or managing day-to-day life?
None?
Well, no wonder you don’t love each other any more.
It happens on a near daily basis: A couple comes to my office. Their
marriage is in serious trouble. Their body language says it all.
Sometimes they are angry. Sometimes they are dejected. In the worst-case
scenarios, they are emotionally dead.
They’ve nearly always written a story of what has gone wrong:
they married the wrong person
the person they married changed
there is no such thing as lasting love
their spouse is no longer attractive
Yet rarely do they confess the obvious. They talk about how “life has
been crazy,” “we are constantly running a thousand different directions”
and “work is demanding.” They might mention how tired they have become.
But they never admit their deepest failure: They have stopped spending
meaningful time together.
I listen and then I ask, “How much time tomorrow will the two of you
spend together?”
Most of the time they stare blankly at me as though I have just asked a
ridiculous question.
Sometimes they try to answer, but they nearly always answer with
something that involves taking care of children or running a house or
taking care of the details of life.
Physically they spend time with each other each day, but emotionally,
spiritually and relationally, they haven’t seen each other in months and
sometimes years.
Is it any surprise that a couple who never spends any time together,
apart from trying to manage day-to-day life, no longer feels a deep
emotional connection and love for one another?
Remember how you fell in love
No couple falls in love without spending time together. Time is required
for two people to get to know one another. Without time, there is no
knowledge. While you can lust after what you do not know, you cannot
love what you do not know. Knowledge is a prerequisite for love.
This is why relationships begin with dating. Two people who may or may
not have a romantic interest in one another go on dates. This allows
them to spend time together, to get to know each other, and to determine
if they will choose to love or not.
True love develops over time as we come to know another person and
choose to love them.
The same way love begins, it continues.
Without meaningful time together, a couple will at minimum forget
whether they love one another, and at maximum they will actually stop
loving one another.
Time is required for love to grow.
You don’t have to spend time together every day
While the newly married and empty nesters might have the opportunity to
spend time together every day, that is not the story of those who are
raising children. The demands of life will be too great to allow a
couple an hour or two of alone time. There are some days in which a
couple will be lucky to eat together, much less talk.
Yet, a couple doesn’t have to spend time together every day in order to
be successful. We can thrive without hours being spent together on a
daily basis.
You do have to spend time together on a regular basis
You don’t have to spend time together every day, but you do have to
spend time together on a regular basis. The longer a couple goes without
spending time together, the greater they are at risk for the following
things:
the feelings of love to fade
frustrations and disagreements to create greater destruction
being open to the temptation of an affair
It is never shocking to me when a couple experiences difficulties in
marriage when they have not created and guarded time for their
relationship to be nourished.
Isn’t this why nearly every marriage counselor recommends a weekly date
night?
Isn’t this why I’m insistent that every couple vacation together
(without kids) once a year?
Isn’t this why I’ve written before that even a day in court can energize
a marriage?
A couple must spend time together.
It doesn’t have to be today. It doesn’t have to be every day. But it
must be sometime, and it must happen more often than many couples choose
to have it happen.
Unless a couple intentionally makes an effort to have meaningful time
together, it will not happen. Life has too many demands and
distractions, and without intention, we will foolishly live our lives
without spending meaningful time with our spouses. The consequences of
this foolishness are disastrous.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
You can find time for one another
We can:
stop during the morning routine, look each other in the eye and have a
two-minute conversation
take a break from our work day and text one another
turn off the television and have a meaningful conversation
take a walk
get a baby sitter and go to the park
have lunch together
It doesn’t take a lot of money. It doesn’t even demand a large chunk of
time. But it does demand intention and attention.
Love requires time. To the extent we choose to spend time with our
spouses, we will likely feel love for them.
source: deseretnews.com