Anger is the emotional energy within each of us that rises up when something needs to change. Anger needs to be talked about, but not acted out.
Acting out your anger (tantrums, yelling, violence) unless it is done in a carefully controlled therapeutic enviornment, simply reinforces the idea that anger is the same as acting out.
Those therapeutic sessions that urge people to express their anger with yelling are really intended for people who have trouble getting angry.
Anger management and abatement requires learning about your anger, what it means, what triggers it, and how to use it in a healthy way.
I teach my clients that “He who loses it, loses.” Expressing anger in an out-of-control way will ruin your relationships, cost you your job and land you in the hospital or in jail.
Instead, you need to understand how to recognize the growth of your anger before it’s too far gone to control and learn to channel it in healthy ways.
To express your anger effectively, follow these steps:
First, you must stay calm — If you raise your voice, you won’t be heard because the other person will become defensive.
If you aren’t calm, calm down before expressing your anger, count to 10, take deep breaths or talk to someone with whom you are not angry.
Figure out what you’re angry about. It’s common to be upset or angry but not know exactly what it’s all about. What are you feeling? Who are you angry at? What did he or she do? Taking the time to get clear about your anger will make it easier for you to be clear with your partner and easier for your partner to figure out what to do. If your partner did something wrong, just blaming still doesn’t make it clear exactly how you were hurt, or what the other person can do to make it right.
Know what will appease your anger. It is your responsibility to know what the other person can do to be forgive.
Understand if you’ll be doing any damage, to yourself or others, by expressing your anger. It’s usually not smart to tell your boss, a policeman, your mother-in-law or other people with power that you’re angry. It’s better to offer a solution in those cases. Also, when someone is deep in grief, or recovering from an illness or big problem like being fired, it is not a good time to talk about your anger. Doing so makes you look uncaring and narcissistic.
Only after these steps should you directly tell the person that you are angry (“I’m angry, and I need to talk with you about it”). Then explain what you need to fix the problem (“I need you to never hurt me like that again;” “I need you to pick up your mess;” “I am not willing to be friends with you if you gossip about me.”)If you’ve followed the steps, you will almost always get a positive response to your anger such as an apology and a promise to change behavior.
If you can’t calm down enough to do this, you may have an anger problem and need therapy or anger management classes.
Source: Yourtango.com