Many great, available men are seen as less than desirable partners because they have children from a previous relationship. While there are hassles and roadblocks, to categorically dismiss a good man with whom you have great chemistry because he has kids may be doing yourself a great disservice. When women complain that, “all the good ones are taken,” you can bet that they have eliminated men with children as qualifying for their definition of “good.” And that is bad. Here are nine tips for dating a man with children from a previous relationship.
1. Don’t meet his kids until after you have established the relationship and feel it is stable enough that you two will be together for the foreseeable future. If he has joint custody, make sure to meet in neutral locations while his kids are home. Don’t go by his place to start or finish a date if you are going to meet the kids. They should only get to know you when it is a definite that you and their dad are a couple. This protects them from the insecurities of a budding dating life and it protects you from any manipulations they may try.
2. Don’t compete with the kids for his attention When you get to know his kids, there will be times for everyone to get together, and you should understand that they will want his attention even if it means interrupting you. You must be an adult and politely lead by example.
3. You are not their parent – don’t act like it Maintain an absolute neutral role when it comes to the way these children conduct themselves. You cannot and should not parent them. This includes telling him how he should raise his children – don’t ever do it. If he asks for advice or you are having a casual conversation away from the kids, it is one thing to share ideas, but you must be deferential in the extreme here.
4. Be friendly, but don’t come on too strong You are dating their dad, you are not their new best friend. Your focus needs to be on your man and being wrapped up in the lives of his children is no way to be in a relationship with him. A child needs to be his or her own person. Be supportive and encouraging but don’t assume the parental role, or that of a close friend. Show an interest in who his children are as people without trying to take control of their hobbies or life.
5. Don’t compete with the other parent You are not a replacement for their mother, and you are not in a competition with her. Never speak negatively about her. This is like tearing at the DNA of the child. You want to be respected first and hopefully liked. Appreciation will come over time, but it will never come if they see you as a rival of their mother. In private, discourage your boyfriend from badmouthing her around the kids and insist he not do it when you are present.
6. Depending on his custody arrangement, you might not need to meet his children at all Be honest with yourself … are you a high maintenance girlfriend who requires a lot of attention and affection? If your boyfriend has children, you may need to set a schedule for time with him when they are not around. You might have to admit to yourself and to him that you are just too selfish to share, but don’t ever expect it to be all or none.
7. Accept that there will be emergencies and some dates will be cancelled with “kid reality” You must be a little more forgiving if he has to occasionally postpone a date or special event with you because of something involving his children. Kids have things happen that require a parent to drop everything and be there for their child. If a pattern develops and you suspect that the child or he might be manipulating these “emergencies,” voice your concerns immediately.
8. Pace any involvement with your extended family for the long-term If you are involved in regular family get-togethers with your relatives, it is one thing to introduce him to the family. It is another thing to involve his children. Unless you are getting married, it is best to not ask him or them to meet a whole new set of people and develop new relationships. Kids should have the opportunity to be kids and exist in the world of kids, not asked to be in the world of adults because it is convenient or pleasing to their dad’s new girlfriend.