How do you get someone you like to notice you? This is perhaps the oldest conundrum known to man, right after how to get dinosaurs to not notice you. Here are some ways to get a guy’s attention when he doesn’t even know you exist. (Note: you have to exist or these will not work.)
1.) Make eye contact with him from across the room, and then seductively lick your lips. If you can’t find them, lick someone else’s lips.
2.) Make eye contact with him but putting your eyeball on his arm.
3.) Stand behind him and tap him on the shoulder, but then sidestep when he spins around, and keep doing this until he is so dizzy that he is in love with you probably.
4.) Shout out “Hey, future husband!” and then, if he turns around, he is obligated to marry you, by the law of responds-to-shoutsies.
5.) Whistle sharply with your fingers so that he looks up at you, but be sure you can actually do this or he’ll just see you going “pthhbth” with your fingers in your mouth.
6.) Strut around displaying your colorful plumage in order to show your desirability as a mate (must be a peafowl).
7.) Wink at him. If you can’t wink, use your hands to grab one eyelid and wink manually.
8.) Dress to be noticed by wearing your finest wizard cloak or vampire costume.
9.) Pour your heart out in a long, rambling letter about all of your feelings and emotions and then put some perfume in the letter and then seal the letter with a kiss and then chicken out and put the letter in the garbage and go cry in your bed.
10.) Wear an exotic fragrance that nobody else wears, so that he will associate this scent only with you (e.g. Fresh Gasoline or Crayon Taste).
11.) Make some gestures at him, and then explain that you were telling him he was cute in sign language, even though what you actually said was “wrrlhgbln.”
12.) Guys like girls who seem like they’re always having fun, so make sure he always notices you laughing, no matter where you are. (“Ha ha ha this is a hilarious funeral.”)
13.) Talk loudly about bras and stuff at all times, in case he happens to walk past you and is therefore forced to think about your underwear.
14.) Walk up to him when he’s talking with friends and clear your throat. If this doesn’t work, start clearing all of your body parts, one after another. Do not stop until he is your boyfriend.
15.) Get some super-kawaii anime surgery and start calling him “boyfriend-kun;” hopefully he won’t notice that you weren’t already dating, or that you are an anime monster.
16.) Primp when you catch him looking your way by adjusting your clothes and fixing your hair (particularly if you broke it with anime).
17.) Muss up his hair and tell him he is a good boy like he is a dog. Then lock eyes with him and say, “I am aware you are a human.”
18.) Walk by his table at lunch, then immediately turn around and walk past again, stomping harder and harder every time until he notices you.
19.) Drop a lot of mysterious hints around him, e.g. “You’re looking a little under-the-weather” and “If you go out with me I will give you the antidote.”
20.) “Accidentally” run into him somewhere and act like it’s all a big coincidence. (“Wow, I didn’t think I’d run into you here, in your bedroom, looming over you while you are asleep!”)
21.) Mention all of the little things you’ve noticed about him, such as his eye color, his blood type, how surprisingly easy it is to steal someone’s blood, etc.
22.) Snap your fingers. If this doesn’t work, snap his fingers.
23.) People love spontaneity, so he would probably find it really cute if he got in his car to drive home and you leaped up out of the back seat and shouted “GUESS WHO LOVES YOU??”
24.) One subtle way to flirt is to position yourself closer to someone, inside his personal space, so try moving into his basement without explanation or permission.
25.) Play hard-to-get, with the police, because you will have their attention too at this point.