Do you have a crush? Us too! We’ll tell you ours if you tell us yours, ours is Angela Lansbury. Wait! Damn!
Anyway, Valentine’s Day fast approaching and, as you know, if you don’t win the heart of your crush by Valentine’s Day, you will be doomed to spend the whole year alone, crying and eating peanut butter from the jar. THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN BY SCIENCE.
Don’t worry, all is not lost. If you follow this step-by-step guide to winning over your crush, you can spend a romantic Valentine’s Day with any human you choose. Ignore our advice, however, and your only choice may be smooth or crunchy.
1. Be your best self
You’ve heard people say “Be yourself.” That’s nice, and all, but kind of useless advice. If you’re anything like us, you’ve got a whole bunch of selves, and some of them are jerks. No one is perfect, not even your crush. You don’t have to be ashamed of your flaws, but it’s not dishonest to put your best self forward when you want to make a good impression, it’s just good sense.
2. Hang out
They can’t fall in love with you if they don’t know you. The best thing to do here is to hang out in groups, at least to start with. For one thing, there’s less pressure. For another, you’re probably much more fun when you’re around your friends. Nothing can stop growing affection in its tracks faster than an awkward one-on-one before you know each other well enough.
“Um, so do you like cheese? What kind of cheese do you like best? I prefer American cheese, is that boring?”
It is. Sorry, but it really is.
Everyone likes presents! Get your crush a present, duh! It’s hard to go too wrong here, but there are a few guidelines. Since our readers are the smart, awesome, book-reading kind, you may be tempted to give your crush a book. Don’t. Not yet, anyway. I know that if they read it they would see into your deepest, most beautiful soul, etc., but it’s more likely that it will go in a pile with all the other homework they don’t want to do. Then, instead of being excited about seeing you again they’ll be all “Oh, man, she’s going to ask me if I’ve read the book yet. Ugh!” No books, no homework. Stick with something simple and thoughtful like:
Fluorescent green shoelaces
One of those giant Reece’s things they sell in toy stores
A mix tape
A tape deck
4. Seal the deal
This is the hard part. Stop and think for a minute. You’ve been hanging out with your crush for a while. You’ve given them a thoughtful gift. How do they act around you? Does it seem like they might like you back? Be honest.
If you’re pretty sure the answer is no, it might be best to shelve your crush for a while. Rejection wouldn’t be the end of the world—and it is “character-building”—but it does create awkwardness between people. Leaving your undying love unspoken for a bit longer will give your crush a chance to have a change of heart.
If you think your crush might like you back, it’s time to be brave. Be honest, but try not to scare them. “You’re probably the most awesome person I know right now” is good. “I’ll die if we can’t be together” is not.
That’s about all you need to know. Best of luck in all your romantic endeavors. We’ll have the Smuckers ready, but we hope you won’t need it.
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