Is your marriage sex-starved? Don’t ignore it, set a sex schedule

Is your marriage sex-starved? Don't ignore it, set a sex schedule

The longer you’re together, the more ‘efficient’ you’ll be sexually and sex becomes business-like and brief

When was the last time you ‘did the deed’? Can’t remember or don’t want to and definitely don’t want to talk about it? This is for you: six simple steps to get your mojo back!

Confront the problem
Tackle anger issues: If there’s lots of anger and resentment over sex on either side, call a truce.Force yourselves to talk about what’s going on: You can’t shut couples up talking about sex when it’s going great, then when you really need to talk – when problems hit – you’re both quieter than a three-year-old discovering their Mum’s make-up stash.

Approach it as a couple problem that’s no-one’s fault: no-one’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. The person who wants sex more isn’t ‘sexier’ or ‘better’.The person who wants sex less isn’t ‘frigid’ or the one with ‘the problem’. If there’s a desire mismatch, one of you feels rejected, the other feels pressured and hassled. It doesn’t feel great on either side.

Set realistic aims together
Embrace the dreaded ‘C’ word….compromise. The high desire person decides on the least amount of sex per fortnight they’d be happy with. The low desire person decides on the most often they’d be willing to do it. Then you choose the number in the middle of the two. Talk about what you’d like to do in the sex sessions: say what you most like and least like, focusing more on the positives than negatives. Talk about when you did have great sex. What made it work when it worked?

Don’t expect it to be solved overnight. After the first honest chat, couples often feel so liberated, uplifted and relieved, it feels like everything is fixed already – just by talking! You’ve tackled the hardest part – admitting there’s a problem – but there’s still a little way to go before you start to see real results in the bedroom.

Set a sex schedule
Make dates for sex, don’t just wait for it to happen. Find the whole idea of planning sex deeply off-putting? Do you expect to turn up to the best restaurant in town without making a booking? No. Does it put you off going once you’ve booked because you know it’s going to happen? Quite the opposite. So what’s the problem with planning sex?

Plan for it just as you would any big night out. Just as you try out new restaurants, try out new sex styles, techniques and experiences.

Act on a mere flicker of lust
You sort of wouldn’t mind if you had sex? Don’t just ponder the thought, pounce on it – and do it as soon as you can! Studies show the more time that passes between having an idea and following up on it, the more likely you are to lose motivation. Think of your sex life as a bank account: You need to make regular deposits to keep the balance healthy

Be the one to make the first move
Being the one to suggest sex will make you feel instantly powerful and sexier – especially if your partner is the one usually initiating. But make sure the move isn’t so subtle, they miss it. Have an agreed private code that says ‘Sex today/tonight?’. Put two different magnets on the fridge and place yours high if you’re up for it.

Change the way you have sex
The longer you’re together, the more ‘efficient’ you’ll be sexually. Sex becomes business-like and brief. You know each other’s triggers and buttons to push and press them accordingly. The easiest way is transform your tired techniques is to buy a sex book packed with practical techniques as a present for the two of you. Say it’s to keep sex fresh, rather than to liven things up. It’s a subtle difference but an important one: one implies curiosity, the other boredom.