{"id":425071,"date":"2011-05-16T10:39:38","date_gmt":"2011-05-16T10:39:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ghanamma.net\/2011\/05\/16\/infidelity-on-the-rise\/"},"modified":"2011-05-16T10:39:38","modified_gmt":"2011-05-16T10:39:38","slug":"infidelity-on-the-rise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/2011\/05\/16\/infidelity-on-the-rise\/","title":{"rendered":"Infidelity on the Rise"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Nairobi Star<\/a> (Nairobi)<\/p>\n

Valentine Njoroge<\/p>\n

14 May 2011<\/p>\n

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analysis<\/p>\n

Go out tonight, swing your handbag loosely and I bet you, you will hit someone who is having sex with another they are not married to. Promiscuity is not only a part of the single Nairobi lifestyle, it is very much a part of most Nairobi marriages.<\/p>\n

Traditional marriages were arranged and polygamous and I imagine that it was clear from the get go that each partner was to get their happiness and fulfillment from other sources. In today’s individualistic world we look to our spouses for personal fulfillment, joy, partnership, sexual satisfaction and a long litany of other life enriching qualities that can only be delivered with divine help.<\/p>\n

Monogamy, as described by Christianity, is a union between one man and one woman with God at the centre. Each individual is to draw nearer to God and to the spouse. As most of us struggle to draw nearer to God, or give up on that quest entirely, it is no wonder that monogamous marriages that boast sexual fidelity are on the decline.<\/p>\n

So here you are, man and woman and you forgot or are not interested in having God be a part of your union. Perhaps you are both cheating… perhaps your spouse’s efforts at hiding her indiscretions are so poor you have become an expert at looking the other way? Well why not practice another tenet of modern society: the pursuit of happiness. Dishonesty never begot happiness; why not bring your MpangowaKando out in the open? Why not create an open marriage?<\/p>\n

Open relationships are defined as a sexual relationship where a couple is committed to each other but under very specific circumstances each partner is allowed to have a sexual dalliance with someone outside of the primary relationship. Basically you are a couple and you can shag other people with your partner’s consent. And yes people this is happening in Nairobi.<\/p>\n

I met Grace* about a year ago and I have gotten to know her and her boyfriend Robert pretty well. They have been together for almost 5 years and theirs is an open relationship. When they met, Grace was 23 and she says ‘Robert*was 48 at the time so when we met 5 years ago I really thought he was trying to play me. This was not my dream, you think you want a marriage with man who only has sex with you and who is really committed to you. At first I said hell no to the idea of an open sex life but as the relationship grew I understood that commitment is about more than sex. I have an ailing mother and an alcoholic father and my partner, as I now call Robert, has been fantastic in dealing with all that. As he gets older this arrangement allows me to have sex with guys my age and explore my sexuality. We talk constantly about feelings we have for our lovers, discoveries we are making so we both know what is going on with the other. He travels a lot so we each have our flings during that time.’<\/p>\n

Michael* and his wife Subira* host sex parties every 2 or so months, ‘We invite people that we are attracted to and whom we think will be attracted to each other… we have sex, she likes to watch me with other women and watching her with other men turns me on. We do not hang out with our lovers outside of these parties. When we go back home, I am a business owner, she is a housewife and our children, just like regular kids, do not know about mum and dad’s sexual escapades. This is not the kind of lifestyle that you discuss openly in business circles so we keep it hidden.’<\/p>\n

M.K* and Kelly* are engaged to be married early next year and they have a beautiful daughter together. They met about 3 years ago and almost instantly talked about experimenting and bringing other people into their bedroom ‘Sexual experimentation is our thing… we do it together and we have a great time” says M.K. ‘I have been in traditional relationships and my partners just never got to know me as well as my fianc\u00e9 does. It takes a lot of conversations and honesty and trust to build an open relationship. My fianc\u00e9 knows my fantasies, what I will not put up with, the ways in which I feel I own her and the ways in which I don’t. She was surprised when I first brought up the idea of going open and a little insulted that I was ok with her having sex with other men. I will not raise another man’s child and any feelings for other men are forbidden… ifa man intimidates me, or a woman intimidates her then we won’t have sex with them. This level of openness means she knows all my insecurities and I know hers, I trust her not to play on that, just as I don’t play on her insecurities.’<\/p>\n

So what about cheating? Does it exist in an open relationship? Well Gracesays ‘I would feel cheated on if Robert started building a relationship with another woman, if anything was kept from me that would drive me crazy. We give each other veto power. About a year ago I was seeing this guy for over two months and Robert said he was uncomfortable and unhappy so I dumped the guy.’ M.K concurs saying ‘She has to approve of my lovers and I hers… we are not allowed to have sex with a lover on more than 3 occasionsand we must honour our relationship. Lovers know that we are together and that we are not playing our partners… we do not disrespect our relationship. It would be humiliating if I met some guy and didn’t know that she had been with him so we don’t do that.’<\/p>\n

And the children? What about disease? All the couples agree that in the open relationship arena, condoms are your friend. Kelly also adds ‘At the beginning we were really into it, and then we took a break when we were trying to get pregnant. These days we are saving for our wedding and planning it so all that has taken a backseat. Who knows maybe by the time we are married we will barely be having flings.’<\/p>\n

Have there been any surprises along the way? M.K says ‘Hell yeah! At the beginning we had a couple over to our house and had sex in our bedroom. That was a mistake, our room is sacred. You also need to be very clear with the people you allow into your lives. One girl thought that I was grooming her to be a second wife and she was really hurt when it became clear that we just wanted sex.’ Grace says ‘I occasionally get jealous when I use Robert’s phone and find sexual texts from his lovers but I remind myself of what we have and I settle down. It takes a high level of maturity and if you are going to try this you really must talk about everything. Otherwise it can become some silly competition; he had sex so now I must have it. Your relationship cannot be about that. We have sex with other people because we enjoy it. What goes on between us, the love, the commitment… all that is sacred.<\/p>\n

Having spoken to these people it became clear that we view sex in one of two ways when it comes to our spouses: a) Sex as an expression of love, or b) Sex as a fun activity or hobby, like playing golf on the weekends. If sex with your partner is about love then open relationships are not for you. If you think of sex as a fun activity then perhaps you need to initiate the open relationship conversation with your partner. Just like monogamy, a polyamorous lifestyle is not for everyone so think carefully about what matters most in your relationship and just how many uncontrollable variable you are willing to entertain in your relationship. As in all relationships where trust becomes an issue, polyamory can leave you feeling vulnerable and jealous so think and talk with your partner before you open the proverbial ‘Pandora’s box’.<\/p>\n

names have been changed<\/em><\/p>\n

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Originally posted here:
\nInfidelity on the Rise<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nairobi Star (Nairobi) Valentine Njoroge 14 May 2011 analysis Go out tonight, swing your handbag loosely and I bet you, you will hit someone who is having sex with another they are not married to. Promiscuity is not only a part of the single Nairobi lifestyle, it is very much a part of most Nairobi marriages. Traditional marriages were arranged and polygamous and I imagine that it was clear from the get go that each partner was to get their happiness and fulfillment from other sources<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":422629,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-425071","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-local-news"},"yoast_head":"\nInfidelity on the Rise - Ghanamma.com<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/2011\/05\/16\/infidelity-on-the-rise\/\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:title\" content=\"Infidelity on the Rise - Ghanamma.com\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:description\" content=\"Nairobi Star (Nairobi) Valentine Njoroge 14 May 2011 analysis Go out tonight, swing your handbag loosely and I bet you, you will hit someone who is having sex with another they are not married to. 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