If you\u2019re depressed, you know it affects every aspect of your life \u2013 including how you parent your children.<\/p>\n
While mothers with conditions like diabetes or arthritis typically talk to their kids about those illnesses, mothers with depression often avoid the topic, thinking their children won\u2019t understand or can\u2019t handle the truth.<\/p>\n
But most children of kindergarten age and older can comprehend the illness of depression. In fact, keeping them in the dark may make them feel even more anxious, experts say.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour child\u2019s imaginings may be a lot worse than reality,\u201d says Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D., a Northern California-based clinical psychologist and author of Beyond the Blues: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression (Moodswings Press).<\/p>\n
\u201cThey might even think you’re dying,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why it\u2019s best to be straightforward and acknowledge that you have depression \u2013 without shame or embarrassment. Chances are, your children already are well aware of your depression symptoms.<\/p>\n
How you approach the conversation about your depression is critical. Experts offer these do\u2019s and don\u2019ts for mothers with depression:<\/p>\n
1. Do equate depression to other medical conditions.
Explain depression as a physical illness, just as you would a headache or the measles. It\u2019s important to tell your children if you\u2019re getting treatment \u2013 taking medication or seeing a therapist \u2013 because that reassures them that you\u2019re getting help and will be OK.<\/p>\n
Your children also may worry that they can \u201ccatch\u201d depression, as they could a cold or the flu. Tell them it\u2019s not contagious, but that it sometimes runs in families, as is the case with many medical conditions, advises Atlanta-based clinical psychologist Paula Bloom, Ph.D.<\/p>\n
2. Don\u2019t make hurtful statements.
Even well-meaning mothers with depression may blurt out, \u201cI\u2019ve been sick since you were born\u201d or \u201cI got sick when I was pregnant with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Such remarks can trigger guilt in children, because they may already blame themselves for Mommy\u2019s illness.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes, parents say things without thinking of the long-term effects,\u201d says Alex Hewett, M.S., a Towson, Md.-based psychotherapist who volunteers with children and adolescents at Sheppard Pratt, a Baltimore-based mental health center. \u201cBut telling them that kind of information can be scarring.\u201d<\/p>\n
3. Do ease your child\u2019s burden.
Your depression can sometimes make you irritable and short-tempered. If you snap at your children, they may blame themselves.<\/p>\n
\u201cKids tend to be self-centered \u2013 thinking everything is about them \u2013 so they may think Mom\u2019s depression is their fault too,\u201d Bloom says. \u201cOr they may think, Mommy\u2019s mad at me, so she\u2019s staying in her room.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mothers with depression should give kids this key message: \u201cIt\u2019s not your fault and not your job to take care of me or to fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then walk the talk.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t lean on your kids for support,\u201d Bloom adds.<\/p>\n
Being depressed doesn\u2019t absolve you of responsibility if you\u2019ve behaved poorly toward your children. Sometimes, an apology is necessary. Say, for example, \u201cI haven\u2019t been there for you and I want you to know I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
4. Don\u2019t deny your emotions.
All mothers with depression have mood changes and should acknowledge them with their children.<\/p>\n
\u201cExplain that your depression at times makes you feel sad, short-tempered or whatever symptoms of depression you\u2019re experiencing \u2013 but you\u2019re working with a doctor to get better,\u201d says Robert Ammerman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, researcher on maternal depression and scientific director at Cincinnati Children\u2019s Hospital Medical Center.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat provides an explanation and teaches the lesson that when you need help, you go get it,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
Pretending that nothing is wrong is guaranteed to backfire. Children are experts at detecting changes in their mother\u2019s personality and behavior, Bennett says.<\/p>\n
Feeling tearful? \u201cIt\u2019s OK to cry in front of your kids,\u201d Bennett says.<\/p>\n
But be honest about how you feel. Bennett recently worked with a mom who lied and told her kids she was crying \u201chappy tears.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat gave the message that it\u2019s not OK to be sad,\u201d Bennett says. \u201cIt\u2019s fine to say, \u2018You may have noticed how I\u2019ve been crying and getting mad lately.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
But don\u2019t share suicidal thoughts with your children, Bloom warns. It threatens their sense of security to hear their mom say \u201cI want to die\u201d or something similar.<\/p>\n
Seek immediate adult help for suicidal feelings, Bloom advises.<\/p>\n
5. Do keep it simple.
Don’t launch into a complex discussion about chemicals in your brain, postpartum depression or anything else that could be confusing or frightening.<\/p>\n
\u201cToo much information about depression could overwhelm a child,\u201d Ammerman says. \u201cThe explanation should be clear enough that it can be absorbed, understood and reassuring.”<\/p>\n
6. Don\u2019t handle questions alone.
Mothers with depression should be able to call on other trusted adults. Dad, grandmas, grandpas, aunts and others should work together to determine what and how much information to share with children.<\/p>\n
\u201cA depressed person should have lots of emotional and physical support, so if Mom isn’t up to explaining, another adult can step in,” Bennett says.<\/p>\n
Discuss in advance what to say to kids and keep the message consistent so they don\u2019t get confused.<\/p>\n
7. Do keep the discussion ongoing.
The initial conversation about depression can be done in 60 seconds or less, Bennett says. But children may take time to absorb the information or may have other questions.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why mothers with depression should always leave the door open to answer questions like \u201cWhat is depression again?\u201d and \u201cAre you feeling better?\u201d<\/p>\n
8. Don\u2019t ignore your child\u2019s moods.
Without proper treatment, some mothers with depression withdraw into themselves. That makes their children vulnerable to depression. In fact, children of mothers with untreated depression are more than twice as likely to be depressed by age 15, Bennett warns.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven toddlers can start mimicking their mom\u2019s depressed behavior \u2013 being withdrawn and neurologically, psychiatrically and socially affected,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
Symptoms of depression in children and teens include:<\/p>\n
* Sadness, irritability, hopelessness and worry (in younger children)<\/p>\n
* Anxiety, anger and avoidance of social interaction (in adolescents and teens)<\/p>\n
* Changes in thinking and sleep (in adolescents and teens)<\/p>\n
* Behavior problems and other mental-health conditions, such as anxiety or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD (in children, adolescents and teens)<\/p>\n
If your child starts exhibiting any of these symptoms of depression, get them professional help.<\/p>\n
9. Do emphasize that you\u2019ll OK.
Allay your children\u2019s fears about your depression by pointing out that you’re taking action to treat your depression. They\u2019ll be reassured when you say, \u201cI\u2019m getting help and I\u2019ll be fine,\u201d Bennett says.<\/p>\n
In her book, Bennett suggests ways for mothers with depression to best explain the illness:<\/p>\n
* \u201cI\u2019m taking good care of myself so I can get better as fast as I can\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
* \u201cI\u2019ll probably have good and bad times, but I will be completely well\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
* \u201cI look forward to taking you to the park again\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is a golden lesson for children \u2013 that if things in their lives aren\u2019t going great, they can find help,\u201d Bennett says.<\/p>\n
Once your symptoms of depression are under control, you\u2019ll be able to enjoy being a better parent, foster stronger relationships with your children and provide them with more consistent nurturing.<\/p>\n
\u201cDepression isn\u2019t your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about it,\u201d Bloom says. \u201cThe best gift to a child is a happy mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
Originally posted here:<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Some days, you don\u2019t feel up to taking your kids to the park or attending their soccer games. But how much should you really share with them about your symptoms of depression? Turns out they can handle the truth better than you realize, and they\u2019ll feel better if they understand what\u2019s going on<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":410188,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-420019","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-local-news"},"yoast_head":"\n