Approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships, estimates Kat Hertlein, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Nevada – Las Vegas and a marriage and family therapist.<\/p>\n
That number hasn\u2019t changed much since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.<\/p>\n
Why They Cheat
The No.1 reason: Men crave sexual \u201cvariety,\u201d according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks).<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ve evolved the desire to be with different women,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n
That\u2019s because it\u2019s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as possible they\u2019re biologically programmed to mate with many women.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe \u2018payoff\u2019 in reproductive currencies kids of a short-term mating strategy generally has been higher for men than women,\u201d Buss says. So after thousands of generations, \u201cthis has forged in the male brain a desire for sexual variety.\u201d<\/p>\n
Other top reasons men cheat? They\u2019re unhappy with their mates – and extramarital sex is cheaper and easier to get these days, Buss says. And “power wives” beware: Being married to a high-profile guy ups the odds he\u2019ll wander.<\/p>\n
\u201cWomen are attracted to men who have power and status, so public figures usually have plenty of opportunity,\u201d Buss says.<\/p>\n
Whether your guy is a political animal, an A-list celeb or just a cubicle-mate, his motivation to cheat is the same, according to one relationship expert.<\/p>\n
\u201cNinety-nine percent of the time, there\u2019s a simple reason why: boredom,\u201d says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate \u2013 and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top (Crown).<\/p>\n
Whatever the reasons, cheaters give monogamous men (the majority) a bad name.<\/p>\n
Why They Say They Cheat
Here are 9 excuses guys give for doing the extramarital mambo:<\/p>\n
1. She ain\u2019t what she used to be.
Like Adam, the typical man can\u2019t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf she got lazy or gained weight or just doesn\u2019t take care of herself, a guy will start looking at other women,\u201d Santagati says.<\/p>\n
Women who want to keep their men on a short leash need to take a \u201cgood, hard look in the mirror,\u201d he adds.<\/p>\n
And men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still be demanding perfection from her. \u201cIt\u2019s the typical double standard.\u201d<\/p>\n
For their part, guys should also make an effort to rediscover the spark at home. <\/p>\n
\u201cMake her feel pretty, even if you\u2019re lying,\u201d he advises. \u201cTell her how beautiful she is and how much you appreciate it. It will make her feel sexy and she\u2019ll want to make you happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
That attention can lead to a more satisfying sex life, agrees Sue Johnson, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Little Brown and Company). <\/p>\n
\u201cAll the evidence shows that when women feel safe and connected, you\u2019re better at taking care of your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n
2. No one loves a ball buster.
Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s like a mosquito,\u201d Santagati says. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t want to have sex with her; he wants to swat her away.\u201d<\/p>\n
The more viable option: hot sex with a more \u201cunderstanding\u201d woman.<\/p>\n
Hogwash, says Steven Solomon, Ph.D., author of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger).<\/p>\n
\u201cA woman didn’t do something that excuses cheating.” Whatever the relationship dynamic, it\u2019s not that healthy to begin with if it leads to infidelity, Solomon says.<\/p>\n
3. She just doesn\u2019t \u201cget\u201d me.
Men who cheat say they don\u2019t feel understood by their mate. But it\u2019s not always the woman. Mostly they\u2019re either angry or afraid to connect.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s easier for men to go outside the relationship than work it out with their partner,\u201d says UNLV\u2019s Hertlein. \u201cWe see this \u2018triangulation\u2019 a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n
A deep-seated fear of intimacy can be hard for some guys to overcome. And they\u2019re more likely to cheat again, especially if they don\u2019t go to couples therapy, Hertlein says.<\/p>\n
4. It\u2019s the thrill.
Most guys who have affairs are getting in touch with their inner caveman: They like to play with fire. \u201cIt adds a level of danger,\u201d Santagati says, \u201cand danger adds to the excitement.\u201d<\/p>\n
By keeping surprise and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so hot that her man won\u2019t have any reason to cheat.<\/p>\n
But that’s not the whole story. Solomon says men also cheat because of fear, loneliness or anger.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe betraying partner’s failure to deal with these feelings is what causes him to be unfaithful,” he says.<\/p>\n
5. Blame it on the \u201chunter.\u201d
Often, married men who cheat can\u2019t quite explain their motivation. They just find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in search of something new. It\u2019s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter and gatherer \u2013 only this time, they\u2019re hunting and gathering new women.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe he married too young,\u201d Santagati says, \u201cor he just feels as if he hasn\u2019t seen everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
Women can protect themselves by getting wise to this behavior early in the relationship \u2013 and getting out.<\/p>\n
Santagati suggests you can find out more about a man\u2019s dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women.<\/p>\n
If you can\u2019t rein him in when your romance is new, you\u2019ll never control him down the road when your life together is more settled. \u201cThe first three months are critical,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
6. Biology, baby.
\u201cIt\u2019s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,\u201d Santagati says.<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce we\u2019ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It doesn\u2019t matter if you\u2019re Jessica Alba or Sienna Miller, we become accustomed to your body and want to experience something different \u2013 different lips, different body types. We\u2019re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid.\u201d<\/p>\n
But Juliet Williams, associate professor of women\u2019s studies at UCLA disagrees. \u201cNo matter how stunningly high the number of male cheaters, we know it\u2019s not biological,\u201d she says. \u201cThere are still a higher percentage of men who are monogamous.\u201d<\/p>\n
Whether it\u2019s evolution, biology or simple novelty, infidelity researchers agree that men do seek different sex partners. However, the decision whether to cheat is entirely in a man\u2019s control.<\/p>\n
\u201cMost men don\u2019t act on those desires because they don\u2019t want to jeopardize social reputations or marriages,\u201d says University of Texas\u2019 Buss.<\/p>\n
\u201cFormer President Jimmy Carter, for example, told an interviewer that he had \u2018lust in his heart\u2019 but as far as we knew, he never acted on it,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
7. It\u2019s just sex.
For most guys, sex and love are two entirely different things.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe really believe, \u2018I can still love my wife and want to have sex with other women.\u2019 We separate it in our brains,\u201d Santagati says.<\/p>\n
That rationale allows guys to cheat guilt-free, with one notable exception:<\/p>\n
\u201cAny guilt that a man has after sex isn\u2019t about the sex itself, it\u2019s about the consequences,\u201d Santagati says. \u201cWill she be a stalker? Will my wife find out?<\/p>\n
“If a guy is in a committed, monogamous relationship, he should ask himself one question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He should consider the worst-case scenario, meaning that his wife finds out and is now brokenhearted. Is it worth it?\u201d<\/p>\n
8. Not tonight, dear.
Let\u2019s face it. Men want more sex than women.<\/p>\n
So when their partner is tired from wrangling kids all day and unwilling to try new things, even the most loyal hubbies get bored and go looking for nookie.<\/p>\n
More sexually permissive men who don\u2019t have equally adventurous partners are also more apt to wander, says UNLV\u2019s Hertlein.<\/p>\n
Their sexual values are just not compatible.<\/p>\n
9. Because we can.
OK, we\u2019re guys, remember? It\u2019s hard to resist temptation, especially when it\u2019s at our fingertips.<\/p>\n
Thanks to the Internet, it\u2019s easier for men to cheat anytime, anywhere\u2026 while they\u2019re watching TV or on the laptop in bed next to their sleeping wives. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re not talking about penis and vaginas,\u201d Hertlein says. \u201cCheating is defined as anything that breaches a relationship contract.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat includes \u201csexy communication and flirting that\u2019s kept secret from your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n
Forgive and Forget?
Whether your man is having sex online or in a hotel room, should you take him back?<\/p>\n
\u201cWe think of people who betray us as cads, bad people, immature,\u201d Solomon says. \u201cBut most are normal folks who get lost in not taking care of themselves and their marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n
And if you forgive and forget, could he cheat again?<\/p>\n
Despite guys\u2019 excuses, the decision to cheat or stay faithful isn\u2019t something women can control.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven if you\u2019re the worse spouse on Earth, your partner can find better ways to deal with his unhappiness,\u201d Solomon says. \u201cYou can’t make someone cheat any more than you can make someone drink or abuse you.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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