It\u2019s easy to feel sympathy for the victims of a straying spouse (let\u2019s call them the cheatees). And even easier to vilify the cheaters.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe think of people who betray us as cads, bad people, immature,\u201d says Steven Solomon, Ph.D., author of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger, 2006) \u201cBut most are normal folks who get lost in not taking care of themselves and their marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s not much comfort to the cheatees, who probably have a lot of anger, hurt and questions. Here are some answers to the most common cheating questions:<\/p>\n
1. Should I forgive him and stay in the marriage?
It depends on his next step, Solomon says. Does he seem to sincerely want forgiveness? And how would you know?<\/p>\n
First check: Is the infidelity over? If so, is your husband willing to do whatever it takes to mend the breach?<\/p>\n
“A person has to be willing, at least for a time, to be transparent,” Solomon says. “You have to be able to see emails, have passwords, see calls, reach him at any time, vent without him getting impatient or defensive.”<\/p>\n
Figure out what you’ll need in order to stay and use that list as your yardstick: Is he sticking to your list or making vague promises to improve? Don\u2019t decide based on his words, but on his actions over time.<\/p>\n
After a while of having your needs met, you may no longer need to call as often, to check every call, to see his emails.<\/p>\n
“If you see that something has changed in him and his attitude,\u201d Solomon says, \u201cyou can allow yourself to forgive, move on, and remain in the marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n
2. How do I let it go?
Forgiveness is important even if you leave the marriage. To be able to trust in your next relationship, you’ll need to move out of the angry, bitter place you\u2019re in.<\/p>\n
“Forgiveness does not mean forgive and forget,” says M. Gary Neuman, author of The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It (Wiley, 2008). “Of course, you can’t just throw your whole heart back into the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
There has to be a plan for going forward, he says. Ask yourselves: What will you change in the marriage to re-establish an emotional connection?<\/p>\n
For his book, Neuman surveyed 200 men in the U.S.: 100 cheaters and 100 who hadn\u2019t. His findings? \u201cThe cheating group had a lot more distress and dissatisfaction in the home,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
If he’s doing his part by letting you in on his day-to-day communications, then you have to do your part: Plan a new way to listen to and address his issues. That way, you\u2019re part of a team, with a project you\u2019re both working on.<\/p>\n
3. I forgave him once, but he\u2019s cheated again. Now what?
You\u2019ve busted him a second time and he says he\u2019s sorry\u2026 but is he? The aftermath is the key to figuring out when \u2013 or if \u2013 you should leave.<\/p>\n
“If you hear and see the same things as after the first infidelity, you need to get out of the relationship,\u201d Solomon says. \u201cBut if something fundamental has changed and he wants to make amends, there’s hope.”<\/p>\n
The trouble is, after a first affair, many couples sweep problems under the rug. The cheater promises to change, the cheatee feels steamrolled into agreeing. But the first or second infidelity has to be followed by genuine remorse and a change. And if it happens a third time, just like in baseball \u2013 he\u2019s out.<\/p>\n
4. Did I do something to make him cheat?
“The short answer is no,” Neuman says.<\/p>\n
Solomon agrees: “You didn’t do something that excuses cheating.”<\/p>\n
Even if you\u2019re the worse spouse on Earth, your partner can find better ways to deal with his unhappiness. \u201cYou can’t make someone cheat any more than you can make someone drink or abuse you,” he says.<\/p>\n
But that’s not the whole story. Solomon says people usually cheat because of fear, loneliness or anger. \u201cThe betraying partner’s failure to deal with these feelings is what causes him to be unfaithful,” he says. Why else does he stray? Check out 6 Reasons Why Men Cheat to find out.<\/p>\n
And many relationships that fall into infidelity aren\u2019t that healthy to begin with. \u201cThat\u2019s what lays the groundwork for infidelity,\u201d Solomon says.<\/p>\n
5. Is counseling necessary? Or can we deal with it on our own?
Counseling is a must, Neuman says. In some cases, cheating is a signal he\u2019s having an emotional breakdown, so it may be a good time to get him into therapy.<\/p>\n
Even if your relationship is irretrievably broken, counseling can help you both move on, co-parent if needed and have healthier future relationships.<\/p>\n
Remember: A therapist’s job is not to punish the cheater or blindly back up either spouse. You have to be open to receiving constructive criticism.<\/p>\n
“At the very least, get a book,” Neuman says. “But too often, people cheat, cry about it, and move on with no plan. Counseling forces you to admit there’s trouble, so you are both committed to making some sort of change.”<\/p>\n
6. How can I tell if this was a cry for help\u2026 or an escape?
An \u201cexit affair\u201d that starts because a partner wants out of a marriage is rarely a conscious choice. As you go through counseling, you have to gauge if your partner is really trying to get back the intimacy you lost. (For emotional affairs, read Chaste or Cheating?)<\/p>\n
Be prepared to let him go \u201cif he\u2019s just going through the motions, if he won\u2019t answer questions forthrightly, if he wants you to get over it already,\u201d Solomon says. \u201cIt takes a ton of courage to turn your life upside down, but it\u2019s the right thing to do if you no longer trust or love someone.\u201d<\/p>\n
7. Do I tell the kids? If so, how?
Fire any therapist who says it’s okay to tell the kids. It is never okay to inform children, tweens, or even teens of a parent’s sexual infidelity. The momentary satisfaction you might feel at being the “good” parent will be stamped out by emotional problems down the line.<\/p>\n
“It causes a much greater struggle for the child if he or she is angry at one parent over the other,” Neuman says. With one parent, the child\u2019s anger can remain longer and cause much more damage.<\/p>\n
“Ideally, you actually want the child to be angry at both parents because a child can’t stay angry at both for long,\u201d he says. \u201cThey have to work it out.”<\/p>\n
With one parent, the child\u2019s anger can remain longer and cause much more damage.<\/p>\n
But sometimes telling is unavoidable, if say, the cheating spouse introduces a child to the other woman or man or the cheatee blurts it out.<\/p>\n
Then, Neuman says, “all the betraying parent can do is explain, with honesty and integrity and genuine sorrow, that he or she made a terrible mistake and that they\u2019re working to correct what led to that mistake.” To the child, it\u2019s a reassuring message that sometimes good people make mistakes and do bad things.<\/p>\n
Children may worry their bond with their parents will be broken. The betrayed spouse should explain that their parent-child relationship is separate from the one between the adults. If you decide to stay together, show them that you\u2019re both trying to work it out.<\/p>\n
8. How about our friends? Should we tell them?
Anytime you share this, ask yourself: Why are you telling this person?<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you telling because you want to hurt, humiliate, embarrass your partner? Or is it to get support?\u201d Solomon asks.<\/p>\n
If your motivation is revenge, zip your lips. You may get back together, and then you\u2019ll have some explaining to do.<\/p>\n
If you divorce, your ex will likely be at your kids\u2019 birthday parties and school events, and your kids will be aware of gossip or hostility.<\/p>\n
In extreme cases, a scorched-earth approach could push him to move away, making custody exchanges harder than they need to be.<\/p>\n
Of course, you need support! So pick tight-lipped friends who understand the stakes. Get a therapist, talk to clergy, blab to your lawyer if you must (though, at $400 an hour, that\u2019ll get expensive).<\/p>\n
To everyone else, \u201cwe grew apart\u201d will suffice. You\u2019ll feel better later and know you did the right thing.<\/p>\n
9. How do I know if he\u2019s had safe sex?
You don\u2019t. No matter what he says, you can\u2019t be sure. And some diseases, such as venereal warts and herpes, can find their way around a condom. So don\u2019t sleep with him \u2013 or at the very least, use protection \u2013 until he\u2019s been tested.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow demeaning and foolish would it be to put yourself in an unhealthy place?\u201d Neuman asks. \u201cIf he did not have safe sex\u2026 he was making tremendous mistakes that could have killed you both.\u201d<\/p>\n
That just shows how lost he was and how much counseling is needed, he says. And if he refuses a test, then your answer to Question 1 is a big, fat \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n
10. What are my rights if my husband is cheating?
– You have the right to be angry. You don\u2019t have the right to turn that anger into a lifetime of bitterness. <\/p>\n
– You have the right to divorce. You don\u2019t have the right to move the kids without legal action.<\/p>\n
– You have the right to demand counseling. You also have the right to leave if he refuses.<\/p>\n
– You have the right to ask basic questions. You also have the right to ask detailed questions about sexual specifics, positions, sounds or techniques, but asking them may start a rabbit hole of obsession.<\/p>\n
– You have the right to direct, honest answers, but be careful not to ask a question you don\u2019t want to hear the answer to.<\/p>\n
– You have the right to know that you were right about this all along, especially if he made you feel paranoid for being suspicious.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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Adultery is back in fashion again \u2212 or so it seems. Whether it\u2019s a political wife standing stoically by her husband or a gorgeous celebrity humiliated by a dogging spouse, we often ask ourselves: What would I do<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-347183","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-business"},"yoast_head":"\n