Stand by your cheating man or kick him to the curb? It’s not a decision any woman wants to make, but that many have after their philandering mates were caught. This Lifescript exclusive digs deep to discover why so many wives choose to stick it out. Plus, will your guy cheat? Rate the risk…<\/p>\n
They all do it: celebrities, politicians, even the hubby next door.<\/p>\n
Sure, the names of the cheaters change: Think Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards, Kobe Bryant, Mark Sanford.<\/p>\n
But the story\u2019s the same: Husband cheats, gets caught. Wife grimaces, then bears it.<\/p>\n
In fact, up to 75% of couples rocked by an affair stay together, according to research by Peggy Vaughan, author of Preventing Affairs: You Can Have a Monogamous Marriage, But Not by Just Assuming You’re Immune (Dialog Press). That so many wronged spouses managed to turn the other cheek is admirable to some. But you can\u2019t help wondering: Why didn\u2019t they push their wandering mates out the door?<\/p>\n
Lifescript talked to women and experts to find out why beleaguered wives choose to stand by their men. Here\u2019s what they told us:<\/p>\n
1. She doesn\u2019t want to be alone.
When your husband takes up with a prettier, shapelier \u2013 perhaps even younger \u2013 woman, it doesn\u2019t inspire confidence that you still got it goin\u2019 on.<\/p>\n
Insecurity can be enough of a glue to stick with a marriage.<\/p>\n
\u201cFear of being alone keeps people in all kinds of horrible situations and relationships,\u201d says life coach Lauren Mackler, author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life (Hay House) and host of \u201cLauren\u2019s Life Keys\u201d on Hay House Radio.<\/p>\n
Women are more afraid of going solo than men are, she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat comes from believing that they need a man to take care of them. Even though we\u2019ve come a long way, many messages still tell us that.\u201d<\/p>\n
2. Her finances take a hit.
\u201cWomen\u2019s greatest fear is they\u2019ll become bag ladies,\u201d says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., creator of DrGilda.com and author of He\u2019s Not All That (Collins). \u201cIn their minds, they\u2019d be leaving him for a life of poverty just because he\u2019s been cavorting elsewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not a completely unfounded fear: A woman is likely to draw the short financial straw in a divorce.<\/p>\n
An ex-wife\u2019s standard of living drops more than 25%, studies show. They\u2019re also more likely to lose other essentials, such as health insurance and their homes.<\/p>\n
3. He\u2019s not perfect.
An affair \u201cmay not be a deal breaker,\u201d explains Michele Sugg, a certified sex therapist in Branford, Conn.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe tend to think that once a slippery bit has slid into someone else\u2019s slippery bit, it\u2019s the end of a relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
True, that\u2019s how newlyweds think, says Brown University psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families (both Wiley).<\/p>\n
But, \u201cas people live, age and grow together, they recognize that they have to give up the dreams of the perfect spouse,\u201d he says. They know their mate eventually will disappoint them.<\/p>\n
4. Her professional status is tied to his.
Many educated women still put their careers second, behind their husband’s. If you\u2019ve been known as Mr. Big Shot\u2019s Wife, leaving that relationship may close doors professionally.<\/p>\n
\u201cA wife can lose her status because of divorce,\u201d Haltzman says. \u201cIf you\u2019re married to a governor, you\u2019re a governor\u2019s wife.\u201d Otherwise, you\u2019re just his ex-wife.<\/p>\n
5. She\u2019ll lose friends.
Adding insult to injury, a divorcing wife risks breaking up her social circle as well, especially if it was exclusively other married couples.<\/p>\n
Sad but true: A solo woman is considered a threat to the stability of other relationships and married friends often pull away.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you live in a community where marriage is touted and single women are shunned, do you want to become an outcast because your husband did this?\u201d asks Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie (St. Martin\u2019s Press).<\/p>\n
6. Her family is against divorce.
Natalie (her name is changed to protect her privacy) was recently wed and newly pregnant when she discovered her husband had three other women on the side.<\/p>\n
For 13 years, the manager of a California nonprofit toughed out countless infidelities before she finally filed for divorce.<\/p>\n
Even then, her decision didn\u2019t sit well with her traditional Catholic family. They believed, as do many cultures, that it\u2019s up to the woman to keep a marriage together \u2014 whatever the cost.
Her family and in-laws cursed her. \u201cMy mother disowned me,\u201d Natalie says.<\/p>\n
For five years, her family pressured her to go back to her husband. Her ex lobbied hard, too, getting down on his knees and swearing he\u2019d never stray again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI said, \u2018Yes,\u2019 because I could see my three kids were hoping I\u2019d give their daddy a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n
But even all the family pressure couldn\u2019t keep her marriage together in the end.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne day he left his pager at home and there was a strange number on it,\u201d Natalie says. \u201cI thought, Not again.\u201d<\/p>\n
The incident reaffirmed her first decision and this time she left for good. \u201cI was angry and resentful because I allowed myself to get hurt again. And my children were devastated.\u201d<\/p>\n
7. She\u2019s emotionally invested in her man.
For many women, their husbands are an essential part of the family tapestry and disentangling it would be devastating.<\/p>\n
\u201cOver their lifetimes, these women can see their men for the contributions they\u2019ve made, for the role they play in their lives, in their families,\u201d Haltzman explains.<\/p>\n
So they think hard before throwing it away.<\/p>\n
\u201cWomen struggle to see the whole picture,\u201d he says, and try to figure out if their husband\u2019s stupid mistake will dissolve the family or help it endure and grow.<\/p>\n
Of course, a woman is more likely to take this view if it\u2019s a one-time tryst rather than an extracurricular relationship or pattern of infidelity that\u2019s gone on for years.<\/p>\n
That was the case with Deb (identified by her first name only for privacy). She learned that her husband had slept with one of her girlfriends shortly after she gave birth to their second child.<\/p>\n
The Arkansas radio host thought about leaving him but decided to stay.<\/p>\n
Now, 17 years later, they\u2019re about to celebrate their 21st wedding anniversary.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought, I invested my time with this man and we have two kids. I worked through the denial, the anger, the hatred and I just tried to put it behind me.\u201d<\/p>\n
But she hasn\u2019t forgotten it \u2014 or let him.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs there a smidgen of me that wouldn\u2019t like to choke his neck? Yes. And I\u2019ll carry that around for the rest of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
8. She has a hidden agenda.
Consider Hillary Clinton, who stiff-upper-lipped it through Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, and Monica Lewinsky because she had her own political aspirations:<\/p>\n
\u201cShe must have thought, It\u2019s better to stay married because if I divorce, I\u2019ll still have this albatross around my neck and I might not get what I want at the end,\u201d says sex and relationship therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., director of the Buehler Institute in Irvine, Calif.<\/p>\n
This devil\u2019s bargain can pay off, if you make it with eyes open and a clear head.<\/p>\n
It doesn\u2019t work \u201cwhen we stay out of fear or low self-esteem because that causes suffering,\u201d Mackler says.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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