I was in college when an older man asked me out. We went to a concert (nice), then back to his place (predictable). By morning, I knew the relationship was a non-starter.<\/p>\n
But his attention was flattering and I was between boyfriends. Before I knew it, my one-night stand turned into a year-long relationship. He even talked of marriage.<\/p>\n
Right then, I should have cut and run. But I\u2019d grown used to his loud, obnoxious behavior. And at least I had a date on Saturday nights.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t get my complacent butt out of there until he raised his hand to smack me during a disagreement. Though his hand never connected, that near-slap was just the push I needed.<\/p>\n
Any sign of abuse (physical or emotional) is an obvious relationship deal-breaker. And the same goes for addictions of any stripe (drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling). But even without such problems, we often find ourselves spinning our wheels in dead-end relationships.<\/p>\n
According to relationship experts, here are the 6 most common reasons we stay with men we\u2019re just not that into:<\/p>\n
1. My family made me do it.
Blaming your issues on Mom, Dad, your siblings or the dog can get a little tired. But persistently picking Mr. Wrong does have a lot to do with your upbringing, therapists say.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happens in the family shapes how we see ourselves in the world, our core beliefs and our behaviors,\u201d says life\/relationship coach Lauren Mackler, author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life (Hay House). \u201cThen we take those behavior patterns into adulthood.\u201d<\/p>\n
So a girl who grew up thinking I don\u2019t deserve love is subconsciously attracted to men who can\u2019t meet her emotional needs.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt doesn\u2019t make her happy, but it\u2019s comfortable because it\u2019s familiar,\u201d Mackler says.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s the emotional equivalent of the hamster wheel: You never get the guy, no matter how hard you work. But the thought that you might if you just hang on a little longer keeps you in the game.<\/p>\n
\u201cWomen are willing to deal with long stretches of crap for that momentary approval or affection,\u201d explains clinical psychologist Dennis P. Sugrue, Ph.D., co-author of Sex Matters for Women (Guilford Press). \u201cWhen it comes \u2013 and it\u2019s not often \u2013 the attention is almost like oxygen. It means everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
2. I won\u2019t find anyone better.
So he\u2019s boorish and overly critical. Breaks dates. Doesn\u2019t call. Plays head games. Forgets your birthday. But he\u2019s all yours. Would it be any different with anyone else?<\/p>\n
Hello?! Someone\u2019s self-esteem needs a transfusion.<\/p>\n
Blame this one, too, on a dysfunctional family dynamic.<\/p>\n
When a woman is in a relationship with a clear loser, there\u2019s a symbolic agenda playing out. It’s “usually not getting the love and affection of a parent,\u201d Sugrue says. \u201cSo when things don\u2019t go well, it becomes easier for her to rationalize it and take the blame for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
This pattern is one of the most destructive ways women sabotage themselves in work and relationships, says clinical psychotherapist Pat Pearson, author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Get Out of Your Own Way to Earn More Money, Improve Your Relationships and Find the Success You Deserve (McGraw Hill). We think, Well, it\u2019s better than nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we don\u2019t believe we deserve to have a good relationship, we settle for less than what we could have or truly want,\u201d she says. \u201cWe compromise our own integrity.\u201d<\/p>\n
3. I don\u2019t want to be alone.
Then there\u2019s the fear that you\u2019ll end up a lonely spinster, so you hang on longer than you should out of a misguided sense of self-preservation.<\/p>\n
Chalk this one up to family issues again, especially if the message you internalized growing up was, \u201cYou need a man to take care of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFear of being alone is a huge factor that keeps people in bad relationships,\u201d says Mackler, the life\/relationship coach. \u201cThe underlying message is that you\u2019re not able to take care of yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
So you get into relationships with Mr. Wrong.<\/p>\n
4. He\u2019ll change.
Uh-huh. Tell it to the Tooth Fairy. Women have been deluding themselves with this particular fairy tale since cave gals sat around the fire pit, grousing that their men were such Neanderthals.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t bet the farm on him changing in any substantial way. Improving hair and wardrobe is about the best you can do. (Though you might make some headway with the toilet-seat-down thing.)<\/p>\n
But serious character flaws? Figure on living with \u2019em… or leaving him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat you see is what you\u2019re going to get,\u201d Sugrue says. \u201cIf there is change, consider that to be a gift from heaven. But don\u2019t count on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
5. He needs me.
If ever there was a big enough ball to keep you chained to a loser, it\u2019s this one. We love being needed. We eat that up like a chocolate chip hot fudge sundae with a cherry on top.<\/p>\n
\u201cWomen tend to over-give to people who don\u2019t give as much back,\u201d says Pearson, the clinical psychologist. \u201cWe\u2019ve all been taught that we shouldn\u2019t be selfish and to keep on giving even if we don\u2019t get it back.\u201d<\/p>\n
We tell ourselves we\u2019re indispensable. Or maybe you do have legitimate worries that if you split, he\u2019d gamble, drink, slide into depression or kill himself.<\/p>\n
But what you call \u201clove,\u201d therapists label as \u201cco-dependency,\u201d \u201cenabling\u201d or \u201cemotional extortion.\u201d<\/p>\n
We\u2019re then sucked into unhealthy relationships because serving in their lives makes us feel good about ourselves, explains Michele Sugg, a certified sex therapist in Branford, Conn. \u201cIt can be tough to move past the guilt and believe that he\u2019ll make it, that you\u2019re not his only lifeline.\u201d<\/p>\n
6. The sex is phenomenal.
That hormonal surge of oxytocin that courses through your brain when you have mind-blowing sex is designed to bond you to your partner. It\u2019s emotional super-glue. But this neurochemistry can backfire when we bond with the wrong guy.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust because it was the best sex you ever had doesn\u2019t mean that this is the best partner for you,\u201d says certified sex therapist and psychologist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D, of the Buehler Institute for sex therapy in Irvine, Calif.<\/p>\n
And if you feel embarrassment or shame about becoming sexual too quickly, you might be tempted \u201cto make a relationship out of the encounter,\u201d Buehler says.<\/p>\n
Should You Stay or Go?
These steps can get you thinking \u2013 honestly \u2013 about the state of your union.<\/p>\n
1. Search your soul. Ask yourself these questions, Sugrue says:<\/p>\n
* Do I really care about this person or has the relationship become habit?<\/p>\n
* Is it easier to stay than make the effort to leave? <\/p>\n
* Do I feel like he really cares for me? Or am I doing all the heavy lifting?<\/p>\n
* Would I be tempted to leave If someone else I\u2019m attracted to was suddenly available and I could get out of my current relationship with no negative consequences, embarrassment, shame or explanations? If you\u2019re thinking maybe, \u201cthat should tell you something,\u201d Sugrue says.<\/p>\n
2. Make a list. Works with Christmas gifts and relationships.<\/p>\n
Figure out what works (and doesn’t) in your relationship, Sugg says. \u201cThat can help you determine what needs to change for the relationship to feel healthier for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
So make like Santa and check your list twice. And talk it over with your guy. Maybe he didn\u2019t realize that openly flirting with other women gets on your nerves. It\u2019s unlikely, but at least you\u2019ve done due diligence before you walk out.<\/p>\n
3. Get online. If you just don\u2019t think you can do any better, click through some online dating sites. You don\u2019t even need to post a profile. Just punch in your zip code and take a look at who\u2019s around. Nice guys! Near you!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s the relationship equivalent of window-shopping. Not all these dudes will pony up to ride into the sunset with you. But even if you\u2019re convinced the sea is empty, you\u2019ll see there are plenty of fish out there.<\/p>\n
4. Take a break. Absence can make the heart grow fonder… or show you that you\u2019re doing just fine without him. Either way, you get some perspective, Buehler says.<\/p>\n
5. Hold off on hooking up. No judgment here. Casual, no-strings-attached sex definitely has its place. However, \u201cit\u2019s important to look at what you\u2019re trying to get when you\u2019re hooking up,\u201d Sugg says. <\/p>\n
If you want to meet your dream man and live happily ever after, hooking up is \u201cnot the way you\u2019re going to form lasting relationships,\u201d Sugg says.<\/p>\n
6. Do a reality check. If you worry that ditching an unsatisfying relationship will leave you alone forever or possibly even destitute, take a deep breath and step back from the ledge.<\/p>\n
Therapists call this \u201cawfulizing\u201d or \u201ccatastrophizing.\u201d Mackler says you\u2019re playing the Gloom and Doom Movie by imagining the absolute worst-case scenario, and it\u2019s spinning in your mind as reality. So take stock.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook at the core beliefs you have about yourself that\u2019s driving this fear,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
Do you really believe you\u2019ll die without someone to take care of you? What about those friends and family who love you? And don\u2019t you have your own money to pay those bills?<\/p>\n
Looks like an apartment with only cats for company isn\u2019t your destiny after all. And you\u2019re doing pretty well fending for yourself. Soon you\u2019ll get your brain around the idea that you can jump ship if you want to \u2013 and land on your feet.<\/p>\n
Then you can start thinking about what your new movie will look like, Mackler says. Perhaps the screen will show that you can be happy without a relationship. Or that the next guy you date will appreciate and respect you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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