Back in my single life, there was a particular guy I couldn\u2019t get enough of. His touch made me shiver. His kisses lit me up like a pinball machine. But when we got into bed, and he started moving south, well, his technique went south too.<\/p>\n
I like the slow build of the tango, and he was doing the jitterbug. Too soon my brain started whirring: Should I say something? Stop him? Change positions? Can\u2019t he tell? Hey, I confirmed my lunch tomorrow, right?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s never good when my erotic mind starts running through my To-Do list. Then I thought, Uh-oh! He\u2019s been gunning the engine for a while and probably wondering why I haven\u2019t crossed the finish line. I wanted to reward his perseverance. And since he was the type to ask \u2013 and I didn\u2019t want to lie \u2013 I focused really hard. Somehow, I pulled a big finish out of thin air.<\/p>\n
Bad sex is like being stuck in gridlock traffic: You\u2019re there for the duration. And you wonder (with a mix of disappointment and frustration) if you\u2019re ever going get where you want to be.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re hardly alone in that particular jam. Sexual disconnect is one of the main reasons couples land in sex therapists\u2019 offices. In fact, it happens so frequently that there\u2019s actually a term for it: spectatoring.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou take yourself out of the moment,\u201d says Michele Sugg, a certified sex therapist in Branford, Conn., \u201cand you\u2019re kind of watching from above thinking, When will this be done? When should I fake an orgasm? Will he hurry up because I\u2019m going numb?\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course, so-so sex is worst when you can see yourself riding off into the sunset with the guy. That\u2019s when you really have to take the reins in hand and train your stallion to be the lover you want.<\/p>\n
But why bother, those of us with a cynical side might ask, especially if everything else in the relationship is clicking?<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause sex is the bond that repairs the wear and tear of life together,\u201d says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love and the Sensual Years (Collins).<\/p>\n
Every long-term relationship has some angst, conflict and turmoil, she says. \u201cSex brings you back together and makes you feel like you\u2019re able to connect and love again.\u201d<\/p>\n
But transforming a lackluster lover into a breathtaking bed partner requires courage, creativity and tact. Here are 6 ways to create your own Casanova:<\/p>\n
1. Quit faking it.
Your guy is trying to get from point A (foreplay) to point B (your orgasm). But he\u2019s never going to get there if you keep sending him down the wrong road. And that\u2019s exactly what you\u2019re doing if you give an Academy Award-winning performance that tells him he\u2019s found your sweet spot when he\u2019s not even in the ballpark.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t want to fake it a lot because then you won\u2019t get what you need. Besides, you\u2019re steering your guy in the wrong direction, Schwartz says.<\/p>\n
But there are times when it\u2019s OK to \u201cbring in some smoke and mirrors,\u201d Schwartz says. <\/p>\n
You\u2019re reconnecting after a breakup. \u201cWhen things are emotionally difficult between you and your body, but he\u2019s doing this masterful job to show you that he loves you, not having an orgasm may be more symbolically powerful than it should be,\u201d Schwartz says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe guy needs reinforcement, and your relationship needs reinforcement. So just give him the orgasm.\u201d<\/p>\n
His ego rides on your climax. \u201cSome men take it very personally if you don\u2019t have an orgasm,\u201d Schwartz explains. \u201cIf you don\u2019t want to do relationship work at that moment, but you\u2019ll do it later, then you might want to do a great enactment of an orgasm.\u201d<\/p>\n
Still, pull this trick out only on rare occasions.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt really will backfire on both of you if this becomes the ongoing answer to what is essentially a communication and relationship issue,\u201d Schwartz cautions.<\/p>\n
One more crucial point: If you do fall back on theatrics, take it to your grave.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t ever tell,\u201d she advises. \u201cOnce you tell them, they\u2019ll wonder if you\u2019re ever real.\u201d<\/p>\n
2. Speak up \u2013 nicely.
In elementary school we all learned that if you can\u2019t say something nice, say nothing. That\u2019s fine when Great Aunt Gertrude gives you her hand-knitted puce sweater. But it doesn\u2019t apply to your bedroom partner. Speak your mind when it comes to sex.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverybody\u2019s responsible for their own orgasm,\u201d says Richard Siegel, a certified sex therapist in Boynton Beach, Fla. \u201cIf you\u2019re too embarrassed or self-conscious to talk about it, that\u2019s a sign of a problem right out of the gate.\u201d<\/p>\n
Be diplomatic, though. People think the other person\u2019s going to be hurt, Sugg says. \u201cOr they get frustrated because they haven\u2019t said anything, and by the time they do, it comes out in a snarky way.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s one reason to nip things in the bud (or bed) as they unfold. You can spin him around in a different direction and spare his feelings by combining a teeny white lie (Mmm, that feels nice) with some key instructions. (What would really send me to the moon is fill your preference in here).<\/p>\n
Does your partner have a tendency to cut to the main course while you want to linger over appetizers? Put a positive spin on your wish to slow down. (This feels so good, can we do it a while longer?)<\/p>\n
\u201cInstruct people in an erotic way,\u201d Sugg says, \u201cand it will probably be received pretty wonderfully.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve been faking for a while now, Schwartz offers this escape hatch: Simply tell him, That\u2019s hit or miss. Every now and then I\u2019ll have an orgasm that way, but really I need it this way.<\/p>\n
3. Tell\u2026 and show.
Guys are visual. If words alone aren\u2019t getting the message across, tap your inner porn star and simply show him what you want.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot of men love to watch women masturbate,\u201d Sugg says.<\/p>\n
Or take his hand and gently demonstrate how hard or soft you want to be touched.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a woman to say, I would love it if you would touch me like this would be awesome for most men,\u201d Siegel says.<\/p>\n
Or try this: Show your guy the kind of caresses you enjoy by licking or sucking on his fingers, Sugg suggests. If you can pull it off while he\u2019s busy below deck, even better.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s hands-on, and they can feel what you\u2019re asking for,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
By the way, this technique works anywhere on your body. Does your guy take the radio dial approach to nipple play? Unbutton his shirt, and show him how you\u2019d like it.<\/p>\n
4. Turn it into a game.
Make some lists: Things That Drive Me Wild, Things I\u2019d Consider Trying, No Way, Jose!<\/p>\n
Sex therapists use this classic exercise to get couples talking about what works for them in bed and what doesn\u2019t. But you can skip the professional session and do it together over martinis.<\/p>\n
Maybe you\u2019ll discover you both like role-play or want to try some of the positions in the Kama Sutra.<\/p>\n
The exercise helps couples learn \u201cthat sex is about mutual pleasuring and fun and sharing intimacy instead of performance and pressure,\u201d Siegel says.<\/p>\n
5. Let \u2019em know when they get it right.
One night my partner of 10 years stumbled quite by accident on an erogenous zone even I didn\u2019t know about. That! That thing you just did! Do that more! I managed to stammer between the shock waves.<\/p>\n
\u201cMen love that,\u201d Sugg says. \u201cThey\u2019ll do what we want, but we need to be able to tell them. That\u2019s the key.\u201d<\/p>\n
6. Check in with him.
To rephrase a bit from JFK, ask not what your man can do for you, but what you can do for your man. It\u2019s a win-win situation.<\/p>\n
Getting him to talk about what he wants and what you could do to heighten his pleasure opens the door for you to express what you want in bed, Schwartz says.<\/p>\n
The result? Your mind will stop wandering to that stack of work on your desk, and you might even call in sick so you can spend more time in the sack.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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Read the rest here: <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Even if you love your man, his sex moves may leave you wanting. Fortunately, with a little tactful communication, your lovemaking can go from lackluster to lusty. Read on for sex experts\u2019 tips on how to turn your guy into the lover of your dreams\u2026 Back in my single life, there was a particular guy I couldn\u2019t get enough of. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-335368","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard"],"yoast_head":"\n