Mock the Weekend: Chelsea’s Roman Abramovich is the most ridiculous owner since Willy Wonka

EPL: Roman Abramovich, Chelsea – Burnley (PA)

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By Nick Price

The Willy Wonka award for most ridiculous owner
Roman Abramovich (Chelsea)

MTW will concede that the Russian must be a clever bloke to have built his ridiculous fortune (and to construct a totally bitching helipad on his yacht), but there is room for the oligarch to show more compassion and personal skills. Then again, you don’t become an oligarch by showing those too often.

In 2006 Abramovich bought Andrei Shevchenko for a record fee when Jose Mourinho never wanted him, sowing the seeds for the club’s best ever manager to leave a year later after more pointless meddling to a winning side, and he has learned nothing from it. In fact, he’s actually become even more of a bothering idiot, undermining the best boss the team has had since that up-his-own-behind (with reason, it has to be said) Portuguese chap who won the league a couple of times.

Sacking a man – as he was just about to step on the team bus – who had won the double last year because he has failed to live up to expectations this season is fair enough, but it’s hardly as if Chelsea were mid-table and were dreadful in cup competitions: they finished second after a fantastic recovery and got to the quarter-finals of the Champions League. What’s more, they did that despite having Fernando Torres in their team! Frankly, Carlo Ancelotti should be in contention for Manager of the Year after pulling off such a turnaround with a £50 million waste of space in his squad.

Good luck to the next man (or should that be short-sighted money grabber?) who takes over at Stamford Bridge, because they’ll have to put up with a billionaire playboy throwing his toys out of the pram whenever his team doesn’t win something. He’ll also need to be flexible as he’ll be forced to bend over on a daily basis.

The Chris Rock award for biggest joker
Carlo Ancelotti (The Job Centre)

Before he was sacked so respectfully by Abramovich, the Italian boss came out with a real pearler that had MTW chuckling.

“I would coach West Ham – why not,” he said, presumably while giggling away like a schoolgirl as the reporters scribbled down his comments.

“It’s a challenge to manage a team outside of the top four and even in the Championship.”

Don’t hold your breath, Hammers, methinks he was pulling your leg. After working for Abramovich, why would he want to work for his cheaper, nastier, stingier cousins, Messrs Gold and Sullivan?

I’m a little teapot, short and stout | Here is my P45, Roman says I’m out

GOOD WEEK

Michael Owen The great unashamed hanger-on has managed to get himself a league medal by playing in exactly the minimum number of games needed to qualify. Roman Abramovich He now gets to play his favourite game: ‘Who Wants To Be A Slave For A Billionaire?’ Fans of straight talkers Now Ian Holloway is no longer in the Premier League, top flight news will begin to make a lot more sense. No more mad rants, no more non-sensical analogies – just normal, straight talking, dull managers.

BAD WEEK

Carlo Ancelotti Forget bad weeks, this guy’s had a bad year, but only in football could someone be sacked just before getting on a bus with the rest of their colleagues. Farewell, Carlo, we’ll miss your eyebrow. Birmingham They were looking pretty above the drop zone on Sunday morning, and now find themselves back in the doldrums of the Championship. And they play soul destroying football. Ian Holloway fans Because when the man comes out with pearlers like this to describe Cristiano Ronaldo, he makes the whole world smile: “He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his c***’s massive.”

The worst team in the Europa League award
Birmingham City

When Alex McLeish’s side won the League Cup in February (we say won, Wojciech Szczesny and Laurent Koscielny actually gift-wrapped it for them), thoughts amongst Blues turned to Europe next season – now they’ll be playing it as a Championship club, and they’ll probably be the worst team in there too.

MTW has had the *cough* pleasure of seeing Birmingham play live several times this season, and has not once been impressed. The Wembley win was like feasting on caviar for a day, but Birmingham fans have been eating dog food all season and their relegation is Alex McLeish’s just desserts for sending his team out to be so soul-crushingly awful week-in, week-out.

Quote of the week (part I)

“Maybe the end of season has come at the right time for us – I might have been in next week”

– Kenny Dalglish when asked about Liverpool’s injury woes

Fantasy hero
Somen Tchoyi (West Brom)

Popped up out of nowhere with a hat-trick from midfield to steal a point for his side.

Respectful tips of the hat to Roman Pavlyuchenko for breaking the habit of a lifetime and being clinical in front of goal by netting twice, and veteran plodder Jason Roberts for getting a goal and an assist in a relegation scrap against Wolves.

Fantasy zero
Ian Evatt (Blackpool)

Part of a defence that shipped four, one of them off his own foot, in a do-or-die last game. Should put in a claim for an assist for Manchester United’s opening goal, mind you. Oh wait, wrong team.

Nods to Seamus Coleman, Zoltan Gera and Daniel Sturridge for getting themselves sent off on the final day jamboree.

The Javier Hernandez award for the ‘eh, who the hell are you?’ signing of the season
Ricky Alvarez (Velez Sarsfield, and reportedly on his way to Arsenal)

When reports emerged on Friday that Arsene Wenger was getting the chequebook out (a moth flew out of it and it’s gone mouldy round the edges) to buy an exciting new attacking prospect, Arsenal fans must have thought their luck was in.

Who would it be? Bojan? No, too rubbish. Sergio Aguero? No, too expensive. Ashley Young? No, too English.

Instead, the man that had Twitter abuzz was one Ricky Alvarez. Who’s that, you may be asking? Don’t ask MTW, it knows nothing.

Remember the name | This is the guy Arsenal are signing, possibly, I don’t know

The Mark Viduka award for playing for a new contract
Emmanuel Adebayor (Real Madrid)

Just like the fat Australian who used to turn on the style when his deal was running out, the Togo striker put in a towering display in his last game for the club on loan, notching a hat-trick against Almeria. MTW imagines the first thing he did after the game was ring his agent to shout: “Tell them I want an extra £10,000 a week!”

Quote of the weekend (part II)

“If it wasn’t Elokobi I’d do him”