If you ask me: “Do you believe that fashion, dressing, decorations, and accompanying sophistications are seriously challenging our finances, relationships, marriages, family life, and future progress in a faltering economy of a chaotic world?” I will respond: “Really! Are you very observant? What do you think? Where have you been hiding? Tucked away from the realities of civilization and all that is now going on with our young people, single adults, relationships, marriages, family life, and lifestyles in our communities?”
The truth is that we have become preoccupied with carnal pursuits, and gotten ourselves entangled in selfishness and materialism to alarming degrees (even within the Churches and ministries, governmental circles, high institutions, businesses, and in organizations professing to be fighting for the rights and welfare of people), and saddled ourselves with challenges extending beyond our fair share of the social, marital, relational, spiritual, and financial problems we would have to encounter in our age.
I believe that each couple, or a lady and her fiancée, should thoroughly discuss their entire fashion, dressing, and physical life, and agree on what works very well for both of them, and would earn them distinction in the society. Men do not usually know the extent of the pressure which the environment and people (especially men) put on females for their physical looks and general appearance. Majority of men do not care too much about their physical looks and appearances, so far as they appear fine in their own estimation, but appearance is a huge deal for every female including even a young girl.
The man should know that women are of an entirely different natural make up from men. Men are naturally wired to be creatures of sight, and women know that men are incessantly attracted by the physical looks of women, so they strive to provide them with their best appearance and beauty. My suggestion to men, especially in marriage and relationships is: please, allow the woman or girl to also make her sincere choices that make her feel beautiful and very presentable to her liking, and above all feel as the real lady worthy to be in the life of such a great man such as you.
The problems arise when the lady chooses a dress or other kind of dressing and make-up that deduct or even nullify her real natural beauty, and worst of all makes her appear carnal, loose, and unworthy of respect. Breast and underwear exposure, for example, for any dressed lady in the streets or anywhere, made available for men to view unnecessarily, is not considered decent and wise in any sane society. These are hard facts, eh? But we all know, don’t we? So let us sit up and address the issues at stake for workable solutions, before the issues rather drown us in indecent, immoral, and aimless tsunami!
Parents, elders, pastors, ministers, leaders, and supervisors, must work hard to inculcate essential life-promoting, progressive, and decent social and family life values into our children and people who come within our sphere of influence. These days many girls and women do not even care about what they wear to respectable places, and some drape themselves with clothing that promote repugnant and indecent exposures that they carelessly choose to even sit before God in church! Holy standards have fallen, right? It is interesting how many people are careful about inappropriate dressing and bodily exposure at the workplace and at job interviews, but stunningly careless at places where they go to meet and worship the Almighty Himself. The fear of God and the accompanied wisdom are out through the window in many churches, schools, working places and homes. Lord help us!
I will, however, advise men not to be too critical of women’s appearances all the time. For example, I have sometimes mentioned that wearing no bras is considered by a majority of men as indecent or obscene, but in a few cases it is done innocently and under special conditions rather than for immoral reasons. If a lady deliberately wears a push-up bras to get her breasts to prominently protrude and become exposed above her dress in order to attract and seduce men, then that is offensive for many men, demeaning for her, and destructive to society. Recently, a lady was narrating to me how she was in a passenger vehicle on her way home after work, and two other ladies joined them with dresses that gave them extremely obnoxious breast exposure. A married man in their company remarked: “Hmm! What I paid high sums of money to gladly view in my home in the past, now I am viewing it freely in the streets!” These narrations are, however, on the negative side of our discussion.
On the positive side, men should know that some ladies have a problem with wearing bras unless they get it padded for them to feel comfortable. The question of males gazing at them and making advances is another issue. If padding is necessary to block the view of staring men who cannot control their sexual appetites and constantly feed on women’s breasts and nipples, then the ladies must be allowed to do so. Such men must get their eyes and minds properly controlled and further sanctified by the Lord if they have allowed spirits of lust to capture their instincts to oppress them. We must allow women to do the padding as reasonably as possible for their own welfare. I know that I am opening up huge bags of worms! Somebody help me!!
Putting on the right type of make-up and doing so correctly in order to just show your real beauty in a simple way, is a wise way to dress without unacceptable embellishment that takes away instead of adding to your real beauty. I will suggest to every woman to aim at natural simple beauty as much as she can. That is the real trick! No more, and no less. In your romantic life, it is important to know what would normally turn men and women on, and especially your particular man or woman, in the realm of decency and wisdom. What makes you feel good about yourself, develop self-worth as a man or woman, be a shining example to others, portray the real good image of your home and family, demonstrate your background training, and portray the fear of God, are the key issues here. In a marriage or romantic relationship, the man and the woman must agree on what really works for both of them in the realm of cultural acceptance, decency, and modesty. The key word is MODESTY.
“In like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation…” 1Timothy 2: 9).
The Scare That Men Have For Women Regarding Dressing And Fashion
Both men and women face the challenges in the realm of fashion and dressing, but it appears that more men face greater challenges from the women in this arena, and many men are therefore scared or very hesitant to marry many of the pretty, apparently nice and spiritual or decent enlightened girls that they see around them. One of the deceptions is that if artificial additions to the woman’s body (especially the breast) give false bodily looks to the male lover, then there can be tremendous disappointments after the marriage ceremony when the externalities are removed at home and the man shockingly recognizes that what he now sees in reality is NOT what he paid for!
That is the beginning of serious marital problems right there. On a worldwide basis (and even from the lessons of history), women have been more fascinated with and engrossed in greatest fashion of the day (that even keeps changing by the week), costly jewelry, big houses, expensive clothing, super-class perfume, high class home furnishings, and other forms of extravagance. As soon as typical luxury-loving ladies come into the life of a man, they will immediately begin to demand (or expectantly look forward to) the most expensive mobile phone, sound system and other electronics, bed, furniture, dress, shoe, jewelry, house, or even car on the market, in order to use such expensive and flashy acquisition to define their feminine elegance, power, and class in the society.
Some men make similar high demands on women, and other men spoil some ladies by trying to win them with abundance of expensive toys and money. The majority of girls simply compare themselves with their peers in a spirit of low or overestimated self-esteem, seduction, envy, jealousy and competition. Others receive wrong advice from unenlightened or greedy family members and friends.
If the lady is a child of prominent and rich parents in the society, or comes from a home that is the palace of a king or a chief, and lived in mansions and affluence where servants and housemaids did almost everything for her, then the man who marries such a lady must prepare for possible domestic, financial and extravagance challenges. He can handle such a lady only when he makes time to work on her to ensure that she is trained to catch his vision, engages in wise spending, desists from laziness, organizes the home, respects the man and his family, and opens her heart wholeheartedly to accept the humble estate of the less affluent husband.
In every case, the man must lovingly harness all of his amorous and sagacious accouterments to lead the two of them in intimate discussions for mutual conclusions that will enable them to agree on common principles to modify (or expunge) any disagreeable or unhealthy lifestyle, and enjoy a common godly, edifying, non-extravagant and un-sophisticated life together.
Expensive Dating And Courting
I have been telling people that when I was growing up, you would date or court a young girl and could sit at a cool place to talk about important matters of life, make plans for the future, pray, meditate on some scripture, read a book, enjoy good and healthy music, and part without any immoral violations or demands that haunt you for the night. The taste of many women, especially educated and enlightened ones, has drastically changed. These days some ladies would not even want to go out with you if it is not a date to go to watch the latest movies, or to enjoy a high class bar or restaurant, important concert or show, or some other evening or night of luxurious (and sometimes unhealthy) activities.
Please do not misinterpret me to think I am disapproving of movies and good restaurant patronage etc. for courting men and women. The lesson here is that the focus for many your ladies these days is not primarily on planning for a successful future, engaging in activities aimed at investing in each other and building godly character for present and future blessing.
The man and woman consequently go through a wishy-washy courtship, marry, begin to engage in activities at home, and suddenly realize that they are struggling to be mutual, have poor knowledge of basic information about each other, and become totally frustrated in all efforts to understand the needs of each other.
One of the most challenging aspects of 21st century courtship is that many modern girls will not go out with you without wanting, seriously expecting, or even demanding money from you, and demanding that you purchase the latest and most expensive items for them. Some ladies will milk you dry and sap all of your finances to travel, engage in club activities, have fun, and enjoy expensive vacation and entertainment.
Men who have money to burn do not feel too challenged in this respect, but the number is very small in the population. I am not denying the fact that most of the things I have listed are important if their applications are well planned, and we ensure that they are healthy in nature. We are no more in the Stone-Age or the Middle-Ages when most romantic friendships were in small towns and villages, and the relationships comprised very formal visits and nothing exciting to do except the common roadside and home mundane activities, plus regular conversation. But we must be wise in our 21st century pleasure moves, and calculate our spending, fashion, decorations, celebrations, and entertainment with purpose.
The Scare Of Women For Men Regarding Fashion And Accompanying Spending
The primary fear and challenge that many women face from sophisticated men is the reckless way they misuse and mismanage the family finances, and buy good and expensive items for themselves, their girlfriends, and family members, while their wives and children struggle to pay the bills, run the home, and purchase their needs.
In courtship, the man has not yet married the woman for any financial burdens to be heaped on him, but he must practice and demonstrate his sincere love, care, and passion for his fiancée with some financial gifts and assistance as appropriate for the lady. Some men are also worse in the opportunistic arena, and can wickedly take advantage of the finances and resources of the lady and even dump her finally in the middle of nowhere.
The women feel emotionally starved and strangled by the man’s selfish independence, commanding voice and attitudes, and absence of any honest conversation and sharing of the man’s heart and mind. It is toxic and even lethal for the love and security plus contentment of the woman if she has to beg for verbal appreciation and expressions of love and affection from her lover supposed to be the man who promises to love and sacrificially die for her. Some men are very fashionable and extravagant, and waste the family finances with fruitless business deals, costly political adventures, expensive suits and other clothing, extravagant cars, cutting edge electronic gadgets, costly vacations, and over-the-top entertainment that he does not consult his wife for them to plan properly before execution, and which they often do not really need.
When a man who is expected to be the Head of the wife and family is worldly, ostentatious, pompous, luxury-loving, and extravagant, it can be more devastating because the woman and the family will have no sound financial and stewardship training and leadership in the home.
Since men tend to have the upper hand in many relationships, they can manipulate and control the woman in such a way that she can be financially bankrupt and impoverished along with their children. It is a common practice in many homes, especially overseas, to see the husbands cheating and bullying the women by grabbing their paychecks or literally ordering them to give them their wages and salaries to control (sometimes in the guise of managing the finances as leaders), while they conceal all of their income from the woman, and use the family finances as they wish. Such practice is unloving and unkind, if not wicked and even diabolical.
I have often heard some women complaining: “My husband is very cruel to me. Even when I need a pair of shoes or other necessities, I have to beg him and suffer for a long time before he gives me money to buy the items.” That should never be the case. It is true that some women are wasteful, selfish, and seek only the financial interest of their close family members, but this kind of selfishness and un-loving mean treatment of men for women is what compels a lot of women to work and hold on to their money tightly, and keep their finances privately away from men in order to meet their personal needs and assist other family members.
It can even tempt the woman to become unfaithful and flirt with another man to meet her financial needs. Why should the man and woman who have vowed to join their lives together in an exclusive and permanent union of marriage not have their financial resources pooled together as a couple? Is that not one of the factors uniting a husband and a wife? The two of them will have to humble themselves under God’s Mighty Hand, and be humble to each other, sit to discuss their finances and basic needs, and consistently meet those needs in a fair and satisfying way.
Self Control, Modesty, And Simplicity
So far as the modern trend of fashion, luxury, and sophistication are concerned, I wish to offer a few suggestions to family members and married men and women of the 21st century, and to our young ones who aspire to marry one day:
- Simplicity will always be the essence of beauty. Even if you have the wonderful resources to wear, use, or celebrate with, you can still use nice and expensive things simply and beautifully. Decide never to be called a complex person. Your complexity never adds anything to you; it rather takes away.
- Decide and plan and be modest as much as you can. Modesty is a sign of maturity, decency, wisdom, discipline, godliness, and good stewardship. Seek to be modest in your lifestyle, and teach others to do the same.
- Know the real background and the home where your partner comes from. Explore your backgrounds, and begin early to discuss matters of importance related to fashion, entertainment, money acquisition, spending habits, sources of pleasure, attitude towards sweet and flamboyant things, and general taste.
- Honestly expose your background to your mate. After examining your backgrounds as much as you can, gain adequate knowledge about your preferences, choices, desires, taste, social inclinations, and general lifestyle, and encourage each other to be on the same page of affairs. Then lovingly and sincerely agree on fair and reasonable compromises that will enable you to still make choices but in a way that enable both of you to experience mutual enjoyment and mutual modesty.
- Do your best to work hard on yourself and get rid of old bad habits. Make a firm decision to discipline yourself and do away with tastes, habits, and attitudes that do not (or will not) make you a good example that your children and others can emulate, or a faithful steward (good manager) of money, fashion, clothing and accessories, food, facilities for entertainment, and opportunities for pleasure.
- Avoid a lifestyle of extravagance and wasteful spending. Practice the habit of deliberately thinking and questioning the importance of all purchases before you do them, especially for high amounts of money.
- Practice financial, luxury, and pleasure transparency. Engage in the mutual and truly loving and wise way of discussing important purchases with your mate, places you go or what you indulge in for entertainment, friends you visit or go out with, people you desire or need to help, and what you watch (TV, movies, Internet sites etc.) in private, as part of your romance, mutual communication, mutual sharing, and mutual dependence.
- Don’t be an opportunist and a cheater. Train yourself to avoid being an opportunist who takes advantage of your mate or others to live a luxurious and expensive life, or a cheater who feeds fat on your partner or friend’s resources and uses his or her money, but keep your money and resources only for yourself and your selfish activities.
A major point I am driving home is that we see more heartaches, relationship breakages, separations, divorces, and domestic abuses plus attendant violence in our time, because we are focusing too much on the sparkling luxuries of clothing, fashion, entertainment, innovative development, technology, and social sophistication, without making time to converse, share our hearts, develop our minds, make concrete plans, know each other very well, meditate, pray, study God’s word, build the fear of God in us and in our relationships, and lay a strong foundation for the future. We have a lot of options at our disposal in the 21st century, but we must use the opportunities and resources maturely, wisely, responsibly, for life to be truly enjoyable and successful. The fear of God will always be the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One will always give you insight (Proverbs 9:10). Allow God’s Spirit and wisdom to guide you through His infallible and trusted word, along with prayer (personally, and with your mate).
Tune in to JOY 99.7 FM in Accra, Ghana on Saturdays at 5:30 am – 6:00 am (Ghana Time) or 1:30 am – 2:00 am (US Eastern Time, March -October) and listen to Dr. Kisseadoo’s broadcast “Hope For Your Family”. Access on the Internet using MYJOYONLINE.COM. Obtain more information from Dr. Kisseadoo’s book “Challenges Of Modern Men And Women In Relationships”. Obtain 8 of his books online from RedLeadBooks.com, or Amazon.com. Contact Dr. Kisseadoo in the USA (757-7289330) for copies of all of his 13 books or free counseling and prayer. Visit our website: www.fruitfulministriesint.com for essentials that will enrich your relationships and ministry. Copyright April 2011 Rev. Dr. Samuel A. Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, USA). Founder and President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc. (Evangelistic & Teaching Ministry). 6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669, USA. Ph 757-7289330 E-mail: kisseadoo@msn.com Facebook: DrSamuel Kisseadoo
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Feature: The challenges of modern fashion, dressing & extravagance in our relationships