What we learned this week… John Terry is perfect for the England captaincy – no, really

By Nick Price

John Terry underestimates the English public…

Some would say that the England skipper’s admission that he’s “not everyone’s cup of tea” is a remarkable and disarming act of honesty designed to make us doubters go: “You know, I’ve had it all wrong on this Terry chap.”

Is it too much to ask to have a quality footballer who is halfway respectable to represent the nation?

This week, the Chelsea bully boy revealed that he didn’t understand why he was stripped of the England armband in the first place – deary me – and then declared that none of his team-mates had a problem with his reinstatement.

WWLTW imagines that the defender simply barked “YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME?!” in each England player’s face before sniggering like the cock of the school and going behind the changing rooms to load up an air rifle and a slingshot with Ashley Cole.

… but he’s still the best man for the job

Fabio Capello has come under fire – of the metaphorical type, not the Chelsea training ground type – this week for his handling of the whole affair, but ultimately he’s right to hand the armband back to the defender.

After stripping Terry of the captaincy last year, he vowed that he would never have it back and has performed a U-turn as embarrassing as a footballer apologising for posting his naughty bits on Twitter (Jonjo Shelvey, tut tut). While it may not have been fair on Rio Ferdinand (although there’s been far too much conjecture about how his demotion was handled) to be stripped of the armband while injured, and it isn’t the most consistent chapter of the Italian’s career, what other options did Capello have when he looked at his squad?

Too few players have the seniority and organisational skills required of a good captain, and those that are natural born leaders – like Scott Parker – are not shoo-ins to start; Frank Lampard is too old and is rumoured to be left on the bench against Wales, with Jack Wilshere – maybe the best midfielder England have these days – slotting in; Steven Gerrard is hardly consistent enough to make up for his lack of gravitas by leading by example; and Wayne Rooney is not much of a saint on or off the pitch.

And for those that say the armband should be given to the best performer, WWLTW has two words for you: Ashley Cole.

In reality, who else could steward England in the absence of Ferdinand? There could be only one realistic choice. Besides, if a leader is to exemplify his troops’ shared traits – in the Three Lions’ case that’s recklessness, crassness and a tendency to cry –  then Terry is the ultimate captain.

Lies, cries and shouts a lot | He’s the perfect England captain

Arsenal are stuck in the past

What we will learn this weekend…

Despite missing Gareth Bale – a man stronger than Superman himself – Wales will still be able to upset England. Fabio Capello will be told he “knows nothing” by irate hacks, who obviously think that winning Serie A, La Liga and the Champions League is as easy as making toast. Despite all the hooplah, Matt Jarvis will play no part in England‘s game and will not receive a call-up ever again. Jonjo Shelvey will be banned from using Twitter. In fact, WWLTW might write a letter to Liverpool asking them to ensure this happens…

Another week and another Arsenal figure has tried to put a positive spin on failure. This time it’s Robin van Persie, who believes the Gunners’ European exit will benefit them. “It’s actually an advantage that we’re no longer active in other competitions, so we won’t get distracted,” he lied to himself.

Didn’t we hear similar from Arsene Wenger after the Barcelona defeat? Wasn’t the Champions League knockout supposed to help the Gunners’ bid to do the double? How did that work out then?

Will Arsenal ever stop trying to put a positive spin on failure?

Losing competitions you’re trying to win can never be a good thing, and constantly talking about defeats when there’s games to be played in tournaments that can still be won is a dangerous and stupid game to play.

International breaks are boring

After getting used to the Champions League in recent weeks (and the competition getting back to its best), who else is bored stiff of there being no football this midweek?

It’s gotten so bad that even the dullest of England players have been called out to give their thoughts to the press. The other day James Milner – lovely bloke and an example for all young kids playing the game – was on press conference duty and not a soul could have cared.

Jose Mourinho wants to return to England, so let him manage Blackpool

Well, he does and he doesn’t and then he says he will and someone else says he won’t, etc. Regardless, the rumour mill is churning out stories by the day that the Portuguese coach wants to come back to these shores, and the man himself has definitely gone on record as saying he wants to return to the Premier League at some point.

The self-appointed ‘Special One’ is about as cantankerous, arrogant, dastardly and rude as they come – what’s not to love? The man has the biggest ego in football, but with a track record that goes some way to justifying it.

To prove his abilities, though, he should shun the big boys and opt to take over at Blackpool. Imagine him and his entourage bowling down the pier, riding the Big One at the Pleasure Beach, taking his Yorkshire Terrier for a walk down the promenade and giving out orders while riding a donkey – kind of like Jesus but with less facial hair and a higher sense of self-worth. It’d be great.

And you know what, he’d probably still be able to compete at the top of the table too.

“Ian Holloway? I’m madder than him” | We won’t argue with that

It’s a crime to enjoy yourself legally in Tabloid Town

Picture the scene. It’s 5pm Friday. Your working week is done and you decide to go out on the town with your pals, maybe have a drink or two, even pose for a picture doing something harmlessly embarrassing. Then that picture gets posted online and by Sunday you’re a nasty man who deserves to be sacked for bringing your company into disrepute.

Well, that’s pretty much what happened to Newcastle players Leon Best, Stephen Ireland and Stephen Folan after they went out for a few drinks last week. None of the players were to be included in the squad to travel to Stoke the next day (due to a mix of being injured and not being very good), and were hardly indulging in anything extraordinary. For Ireland, a man who famously drives a 4×4 with pink details, it was a positively understated way to cap off the week.

While drinking is not the healthiest vice for a professional athlete to partake in, the three hardly deserved to be pilloried in the way that some of the tabloids deemed necessary.

Jonjo Shelvey should never be allowed near Twitter again, please

When your boss is on the social networking site, the very, very last thing you want to do is post a lewd picture of your rude parts. In fact, even if your boss isn’t on Twitter, please do not post pictures of your genitals – that goes for Premier League footballers and ordinary members of the public like you and me.

WWLTW is still scratching its eyes to try and get the image removed from its retina.

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