How To Go Out To Dinner With Your Ex
Want to go on a date with your ex? Here are a few conduct tips.
1. CONSCIOUSNESS LEVEL
DO: Arrive at your meeting sober, alert, and in control of your person.
DO NOT: Mix up a bunch of margaritas in your water bottle and slug them en route to meet this person. But in case you were wondering, yes, I’ve got a great recipe for simple and convenient margaritas for the girl on the go. First, get a big tub of Crystal Lite. Then dump it in a water bottle. Then pour in a whole mess of any liquor you can find. Shake well. Voila! Gourmet margaritas to set the mood for your future date from hell.
2. SOCIAL RESEARCH
DO: Avoid stalking this person on any social platform. The internet means nothing; rise above it.
DO NOT: Instagram-stalk the girl he’s currently dating and force all of your friends to agree with your conclusion that she’s a facially-bland, bizarro version of you. Clearly this man was desperate to replace the Real You with a Fake You (the Real You was too intimidating due to your attractiveness and success, which he could not handle). You are winning this race, right? Wrong. The internet means everything, and you’re not the one in the picture. Get over it!
DO: Remember who you’re dealing with. Just because this mud balloon isn’t dating you anymore doesn’t mean that he won’t reach across that cafe table, grab your hand, say how he misses you and thinks about you all the time, and try to manipulate your good nature for his own satisfaction. “Could you just hear me out?” he’ll say. Like, could you just listen to his side of things? Because he’s misunderstood. He didn’t mean to be awful, it just happened! These are all tricks, so be prepared.
DO NOT: Let him sweet-talk or down-talk you to soothe his own consciousness. His “side of things” is simple: he wanted out. If he regrets losing the glorious ball of uniquely amazing cells that is you, too bad. He is about as worthwhile as a burlap sack filled with glue; you are wonderful, brilliant and too special for that junk.
DO: Say, “Thanks so much for the cup of coffee, bye!” And move on with your life.
DO NOT: Go back to his apartment, kiss him, pat his back while he cries, hold each other, consent to a next meeting aka date, that will go nowhere, sleep with him, or engage in any related activities. Saying no is hard. You may have a confusion smoothie blending in your stomach. But you’re a big girl and you don’t cavort with senseless lunatics with a penchant for deception. So when he leans in to give you those puppydog eyes and pluck your heartstrings, don’t give in!
In conclusion? This person is your ex for a reason. If you choose to meet for a catch-up, make sure your expectations are lower than the b**bs in National Geographic. It’s tempting, after a few years, to assume that a person who has disappointed you has changed. Fact: he probably hasn’t changed, at least not in the same fundamental way that he couldn’t change to be right for you a long time ago. Double fact: you probably have changed. For the better. Be the bigger person; don’t let this wet-blanket-disguised-as-a-man drag you back into his weird world of confusion and disappointment. You’ve got great things to do.