If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve probably learned that there are certain things that a husband should never say to his wife. It was funny to hear about marital strife when you were single, but now you know firsthand how uncomfortable a night alone on the couch can be. Here are ten things you should definitely avoid saying to your wife if you value your mortal existence.
“You’re not that old.”
A woman is never old – not a lot, not a little. Even if she openly admits to being ancient, and her skin hangs in drapes from her sagging bones, to you she is always young and beautiful, and you’d better tell her so.
“Woman, make me a sandwich!”
Even when used in jest, this is a phrase that is much more likely to get a sandwich smashed into your face than presented nicely on a plate with a pickle and a side of chips.
“Can you come over here and help me find the tip of my finger?”
Body parts should stay attached to your body. And despite your intense pain, expect to do some serious explaining of your bone-headed actions that led to your loss.
“Let me tell you how my mom used to do that.”
As much as you love your mother, she is your wife’s mother-in-law, and therefore perpetually wrong.
“Do you want to join a gym with me?”
You might as well say, “Wow, you’re getting fat lately. Let’s go work off some of that ice cream you ate last night!” Also, you should probably start running immediately, because you will be surprised at how fast an angry slightly-out-of-shape wife can chase you down.
“Hey, honey – watch this!”
This expression is followed by you doing something that is likely to cause you severe bodily harm. No matter how good your health and life insurance are, your dear bride is not likely to be amused.
“[Attractive female’s name] is attractive.”
Of course she is. So is George Clooney, but pointing out either fact to your wife is just going to raise a bunch of questions.
“Stop being so sensitive.”
Perhaps surprisingly, this phrase will have the opposite effect. Other similar retorts you might try are, “Calm down,” “You’re really emotional right now,” and, “Are you starting your period soon?” Saying any of these is a good way to get a new understanding of the meaning of the word “hysterical.”
Wives can say no. Husbands say, “Right away, darling dearest.”
“So I invested our life savings with this mining prospector and we don’t need to worry about retirement anymore.”
Your wife will still need to worry about retirement, but you won’t. Because you are about to die.