Posted: Monday 17th March 2014 at 7:31 am

10 Things Every Guy Has Thought During s*x

s*x-thoughts-menYou might think the inside of a man’s brain sounds like the buzz of a broken fluorescent lightbulb. Not true. In my humble view, the brain cells of men work like pistons, constantly firing—just like yours. Some of the internal dialogue they produce is quite sophisticated (“Why, I detect rosehip and cardamom in this rare Flemmish beer!”), while other times, they send us in pursuit of life’s simpler pleasures (“b**bs, b**bs, b**bs…”).

s*x is one of the simpler moments. In the presence of a unclad woman, a man’s mind becomes pretty predictable. Here are 10 thoughts that have probably crossed your guy’s mind at least once while doing the deed:

So, um, was that an climax? When men climax, you know it. It’s a whole thing. To leave no doubt, we collapse as if we just ran a marathon. So you can understand our confusion when, after you climax, you just keep on going like you’re the freakin’ Duracell bunny. Should we keep going? Should we wrap it up? WHAT DO WE DO?!

Damn! I forgot to shower. Let me take this moment to apologize to every woman who’s ever caught a whiff of musky body odor during s*x. We planned to rinse off an hour ago, but we were probably too tired or lazy at the time, and then we got distracted by the prospect of s*x. We’re not proud of it.

My god, these are perfect! From a man’s perspective, the best br**sts in the world are those that have recently been exposed solely for his enjoyment. If you happen to possess those br**sts, just know that we’re thoroughly impressed.

I should really remember this for later. Sometimes you’re not available when we’re in the mood and we have to go it solo. For those moments, it pays to have fond memories of your unclad body to guide us. (I’m talking self service, people.)

“Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd …” When I was younger, a friend told me that by playing the “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” song inside my head, I could fight off an impending climax. And no joke, it worked. The song is so unsexy that it totally kills the climax reflex and allows the s*x to continue. I doubt every guy sings this song in particular, but you can bet he has some non-sexy thought that he uses to consciously fend off a big O.

Play it cool, play it cool, play it cool. You know that scene in Ghost when Patrick Swayze is seducing Demi Moore over a pottery wheel? The guy doesn’t make a single wrong move! He navigates some pretty precarious territory with that wet clay and then manages to successfully move the action to the bed without doing anything clumsy. You don’t see him rolling on his back trying pull his socks off, or struggling with the finicky little clasp on the back of her bra. He’s smooth from the first scene to the last, and that’s what all us guys are shooting for. We want you to think we’re totally in charge, even when we’re not.

Keep it up! Occasionally, things go very wrong and a guy’s flagpole doesn’t seem to want to raise higher than half mast. Stress and booze are the common culprits, but whatever the reason, it sucks to disappoint you. In these situations, letting us know your feelings aren’t hurt can go a long way, and you can bet we’ll bounce back hard the next time—no pun intended.

I wonder if she’d be cool if I tried ______? Every guy has his own bag of tricks—some we’ve tried and others we’ve just thought about. Maybe your guy’s fighting the urge to playfully slap your a*s or bite your bosom. Or maybe he wishes he could finish somewhere a little, um, out of the box, but he isn’t sure if that’s even a thing that normal people do. So he doesn’t do it. Bottom line: If you’re up for trying something new in bed, let him know. The experimentation can go as far as you want to take it.

Where did she learn THAT?! On that note, a guy’s obviously not going to complain if you pull out a brand new bedroom move yourself (especially if you try something from our ultimate hot s*x bucket list). That said, if it comes out of nowhere and it’s not something you’ve previously spoken about, he’s definitely wondering where the inspiration came from (Did she read that in a magazine? See it in P0*n? Learn it from her last boyfriend?) Don’t worry, we’re usually just happy to be a part of the s*xual experiment.

THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. We may not show it afterward (again—we’re acting smooth like Swayze), but we’re pretty damn excited. The emails that need to be sent, the yard that needs to be mowed, the packages that need to go to the post office—none of that matters. We have a hot woman in our arms and our brain is stewing in a bath of feel-good hormones. Few moments in life can compare.

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