Posted: Saturday 5th April 2014 at 18:31 pm

10 of the World’s Worst Breakup Texts

images (27)05 (1)After the extinction of the dinosaurs and discovering that there’s mold on the last piece of pie (*cue falling to your knees and railing at the heavens*), breakups are the worst. It doesn’t matter if your beloved ends it by way of mime-based performance art, sending you an “I’m dumping you” sonnet on a piece of aged papyrus, or casually saying that you should see other people as soon as possible (in between smooching the third party currently sitting on their lap), being sent to Splitsville hurts. Because we’re all so phone-addicted, sadly it’s not outside the realm of possibility that you could receive word that your beautiful and endless love has run its natural course via text message. Pause to allow time for requisite gasps and pearl clutching. That’s right: Text Dumping Is An Acceptable Thing Now. Still, even in our tech-dependent age, there are some things that just aren’t kosher.

Here are 10 breakup texts that are just plain unacceptable, if also slightly hilarious. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got some dinos to eulogize.

1. “wii r dun”

If you’re going to end it with someone online, use your big boy-or-girl words. If you can’t spell it properly, then as penance you must dump your soon-to-be ex face to face. So stay in school. It’s the only way to be sure you’ll never have to confront someone with bad news ever again.

2. *insert emojii here — especially the crab, because the crab is clearly the best of all the emojii* Who doesn’t love emojii?! They are cute! Bowling ball! Guy surfing! Tiny octopus! Syringe, weirdly! What’s not to love?! Being dumped by a tiny chicken, that’s what. If the language you’re choosing to dump someone features a tiny pile of adorable poop, please consider rethinking it.

3. “My mom thinks we should break up.”

Oh yeah? Well our mom thinks you’re a fart-goblet. Peace out, homeslice.

4. *SILENCE* It is our humble belief that if your mouth has touched the mouth of another, you cannot silent-treatment them into oblivion. Better to text “it’s not you dude, it’s totally me” than to text nothing at all.

5. “We can’t go out anymore because I am dead.” No, we can’t go out anymore because you ARE CLEARLY A ZOMBIEAHHHHHHKILLITWITHFIRE!

6. “Can I have Flossie’s number?”

Never-mind that we’ve got a best friend name Flossie—let’s talk about how you can’t actually bypass the part where you dump someone and jump straight to the part where you try to creep on all their friends. NO, bad ex! Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. Flossie and I have a state fair to go to, because Flossie is traditionally a cow’s name.

7. “I’ve got the eye of the tiger/a fighter/dancing through the fire” Never. Ever. Text. Song. Lyrics. In. An. Attempt. To. Be. Meaningful. If you ABSOLUTELY must text song lyrics to dump someone, please make sure they are applicable to the situation at hand (see: Wrecking Ball, maybe). Otherwise we will just think you’re quietly singing to us. Which, while strange, is ultimately accepted as being kind of a romantic thing to do.

8. “Ur dumped” Ur a jerk.

9. “TTYNever” Any individual who sullies the glory that is all internet abbreviations by warping them for their own cruel use should be publicly flogged. Conversely, they could be force-fed moldy pie. We’d be down with that, too. I mean, we’re not monsters.

10. “Check my tumblr” If you’re dumping someone via electronic device, try to keep it to one medium. Texting someone to tell them to go read a blog post you’ve dedicated to ending your relationship is making them jump through one more hoop than any human being deserves. Even if it includes GIFs.

  Source: sparknotes.com

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